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Man, this stuff is just killer. I don't care who you are. There's no way to make any of this crap interesting.

Stuff That Bores The Hell Out Of Me

1. Looking At Pictures Of People I Don't Know
2. Taking A Shower
3. Poker On TV
4. Being Sick
5. Attending A Shower

Okay. At the risk of landing on your list, here's a rundown:

1. This happens to me constantly as a teacher. Kids come up to me with prom pictures, random family pictures, wedding pictures, amusement park pictures, you get the idea. I don't mind if I see a representative sample of say, six photos if they are in them. But you'd be amazed at the number of times I am forced to see entire albums of pictures of random relatives, babies of cousins, or extraneous chums whom I've never met and never will. Why on earth do I care? I. Don't.

2. This is horridly tedious. And strenuous. I prefer baths in which one can lie down luxuriously, take 45 minutes, read a book, have perhaps a candle or two alight, and relax. Showers seem to take forever, are a mundane routine that tire me, and are noisy.

3. Seriously, cards? And the players, in order to be any good, dare not show any emotion whatsoever. Some even wear dark or mirrored glasses. Many are extremely unattractive. There is no action. People hold and then lay down cards. Come. On.

4. I have now been unwell for several days. It sucks. It goes beyond suffering from intense malaise. People are trying very hard to help. They cannot. Sigh. I am getting tired of lying around, lacking energy, feeling crappy and uncomfortable. Blech.

5. Why do women persist in having these awful ordeals? No one likes them. No one. The games are stupid, the whole point for them is really blatantly mercenary and everyone knows it, so why not just send out a Request for a Gift? That's all they are. I understand that most New Brides and New Mommies really do need things. So just cut to the chase and stop making all of us feel doubly obligated: both to give up an afternoon and to buy a gift? Just send us a little card that tells us where you are registered and when you're due or getting married. I know I'd feel Let Off The Hook. Ladies, are you with me?

Sigh. Stifle a yawn and tell us what bores you.

Things That Will Undoubtedly Suck About Real Life

This sucks. I am soon--upon graduation from college--going to be forced to be a real adult. At the age of 24 I have successfuly (unsuccessfully?) avoided having to be too much of a grownup for quite some time. But this too shall pass.

Here is my list of

Things That Will Undoubtedly Suck About Real Life

1. Bills.
2. Obligations on weekends.
3. Nothing fun.
4. Having real problems.
5. The rest of it.

1. They suck. I sat there while my father wrote check after check and clicked button after button effectively doling out a large chunk of my parents' hard-earned money. I asked him in complete seriousness, "Peezer, how the fuck can you do this sober?" He just laughed and said, "Because I have to." One of the all-time parent answers for everything. "Because." Brutal.

2. Are you kidding me? This is how I'm going to have to spend my weekends? Grocery shopping and paying bills? Running errands and dealing with yardwork, kitchen cleaning, Jeff Lewis-ing the house to get it spotless for all the company that ISN'T COMING? I'll pass, thank you.

3. This one may not be entirely true. But you do have to deal with all of the other stuff I mentioned. How is it fun? Everytime you solve one problem, it's just a band-aid for the next problem that will show up and the subsequent and inevitable 25 that will follow. Pay the bills so that you can know how much money you have so you can then...go to the grocery store? What do we need while we are there? What's on sale? Do I have my card? Where's the checkbook? KNOCK IT OFF. And if you do manage to treat yourself to something fun, you have to deal with the aftermath of it. It's like I always say you have to work too hard to earn your fun time, and when it's over, you pay for it tenfold. Awful. Horrible.

4. My biggest problem most of the time is "do I have any homework?" When you're a real grownup you have to worry about money, your family, the security of your job, the security of your spouse's job. It's endless. A typical conversation, I think, would play out like this:

Innocent Bystander: Future Jared, what's the problem?
Future Jared: Fucking...all of it. Let's get loaded and bitch together. Deal?

5. This is self explanatory. Here is how the conversation that follows the above conversation will go:

Loaded Innocent Bystander: Well, what else is wrong?
Loaded Future Jared: Everything that I didn't already fucking say.

Real adults, assuage my fear and loathing of realadulthood. Either that, or take this time and space we provide here at Stuff to let me know what I should be worried about. Because folks, it's coming. Quickly. And it's like a tornado of fangs, claws, problems, and obligations. And it is unavoidable.

I Need To Be In Charge Of Selling Stuff

I'm not ashamed to admit it: I am a tireless advocate for bunnies. And apparently, as ridiculous as this may seem, I am the only one! For example, every Easter Season, I get all excited because I think "Finally! Now there will be some bunnies on tv!" and every year I am profoundly disappointed. What the hell is the matter with everyone in the advertising business?

Even the Cadbury people have abandoned bunnies. This is unacceptable. Bunnies, be they large or small, baby or full grown, lop-eared or antenna-eared, are always adorable. They are the perfect vehicle for selling a myriad of products. Here, then, is my list of

Stuff That Could Be Sold Using Bunnies

1. Fabric Softener

2. Vegetables

3. Pregnancy Tests

4. Athletic Shoes (esp. kids' shoes)

5. Earphones/Headphones

6. Hearing Aids

7. Garden Fertilizer

8. Bed Linens, esp. blankets

I'm not even going to explain these; they are obvious. I'm just going to pelt you with adorable bunny pictures instead to convince you to take up my cause. Get ready.

Hey, All You Elitists Out There!

I hope all of you are keeping score out there. Pretty soon this is going to be Stuff On My List.

Just sayin'.

Onward.

Yesterday, I had a lovely snack of brie and apples after school, and it got me to thinking about how, if Some People heard about that, I'd be accused of Being A Snob. Well, that would be fine with me, but it would be silly. Like all that flap about Barack Obama and the Democratic Party being elitist. What a load of bullshit.

Anyway. Here's a list of So-Called

Snobby Stuff I Like

1. Brie
2. The Shaw Festival

3. Champagne
4. Nonfiction
5. NPR

How hilarious is this list? Oh, I could add more, but this is representative of the stuff I mention in conversation that gets me the sort of looks and comments that earn me the Snob label.

Brie? I get mine in the grocery store. Champagne is easily gotten at any retail outlet that sells wine and is available under so many labels that it's no big deal. And the "P" in NPR stand for Public, for heaven's sake. How is it snobby? The nonfiction thing is a puzzler, too. I guess people are befuddled by the fact that I am an English teacher, yet I don't choose to read "stories." I'm a student by nature--I love to learn things. I guess Jared said it best once when he said that when you're done reading a nonfiction book, it never really ends; you can continue to research the topic online or in other books and sources and keep finding more out about it. That's a big reason why I prefer nonfiction. Its stories never end. Finally, the Shaw Festival is a wonderful place to see terrific professional plays in excellent venues, and it's in Canada, one of my favorite vacation spots. I really enjoy live theater, and the Shaw produces dramas that happen to be written by some of my favorite playwrights.

Am I a snob? In some ways, yes, I'll admit I am. Do these things make me a snob? I don't think so. What snobby Stuff do you enjoy?

Why Can't Stuff Always Be Great?

Because it seems as if I am now on my own here at Stuff, here's a long overdue post. So sorry for the hiatus.

We all know that sometimes, things don't live up to our expectations. And much of the time, it's no one's fault. It's just one of those things. Here then is a list of

Stuff That's Not As Good As We Think It's Going To Be

1. Going to a baseball game

2. Grocery store cupcakes
3. The beach
4. Pancakes

1. Okay, so, I'm talking about going to a Major League game here; my experience is with the Cleveland Indians. I always say I love going to the ballpark, and at first, that's true. Then, reality sets in. I forget that there is a constant humming undercurrent of noise. Hate that. Second, no matter where we sit, it is The Busiest Row In The Park. We are constantly getting up so that Beer Guy can go pee, Bored Child can go let off steam, and Yuppie Mom can go make phone calls and meet her ladyfriends. Third, there is no great color commentary! I really miss it. There is no one saying, "Carl, next up is Mort Slaptickle, who, as you know is seven for twelve when the Braves wear the blue sleeves in Cleveland. Also interesting to note is that Mort became a lefty when his grandma, the heiress to the Beechnut gum fortune, accidentally caught his right arm in the ice cream maker back when he was in the minors." Finally, no slowmo or instant replays of all plays. Oh, and if it's hot, raining, or too cold, you're screwed.

2. Grocery store cupcakes always look really good. They have terrific looking frosting which can even be piped on in a huge swirl. I am also a sucker for pink frosting on a cupcake which is, I know, ridiculous at my age. But cupcakes are hard to eat unless you have an enormous mouth and can get an even distribution of cake + frosting in each bite. Most times, I cannot, and I've even gotten frosting on my nose. Plus, most grocery store cupcakes have awful frosting that is the equivalent of sugar + Crisco. And, most grocery store cupcakes are dry. Ick.

3. The beach always sounds so relaxing and toasty warm, what with the waves and the sand and the sun. Which is, ironically, also precisely why the beach sucks. Sand gets everywhere and you will take it home with you and it will proceed to follow you wherever you go for the rest of your life. Inside and out. The waves, if they are in the ocean, will blast the sand at you and give you raw spots on your skin that will irritate you for days. Lakes are better, but mine is Erie, and let me tell you--there are bacteria warnings posted on our beaches more often than not. And at the beach, there is not a lot of shade to escape to, which means sunblock, and that means the sand will stick to you and do we really need to review that?

4. Every now and then I get a craving for pancakes. And then I remind myself that they are just not worth it. Because pancakes are not a food; they are a relationship. I cannot eat more than 3 bites of a pancake because then, it just has to be over. They are just too much. They're heavy, they're overly-sweet, they're huge, they last in my guts for days. If I could have a pancake the size of, say, half an English muffin, that would be super! But that pancake does not exist.

So what about you? What Stuff is never as good as you think it's going to be?

Don't Say It

These days, lots of people have bad news to share. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say to them. I can tell you right now what not to say to them. Incredibly, these awful, ridiculous platitudes are often repeated to people when these poor individuals are at their lowest ebb, and these terrible sayings are meant to comfort them. Please, never say them to anyone. Here are the

Worst Things Ever Said To Sad People

1. God never gives people more than they can handle.

2. These things happen for a reason.

3. It's all part of God's plan.

4. Well, it is what it is.

Honestly, I mean, just look at them! First of all, that first one has to be the worst, and it's easily disproved by taking a tour of any psychiatric ward of any hospital or looking at the staggering number of people who have prescriptions for anti-depressant medications. How is that comforting? It's basically saying, "Hey, you deserve your pain because you're a reasonably strong and resilient person, so this hardship is your reward! Congratulations!" Yikes.

Numbers 2 and 3 are conveniently mystical and empty. How comforting can they be? They remind me of a group at my school called "PUSH" which meets about twice a month. PUSH stands for Pray Until Something Happens. I have no problem with the P or the U or the H of that mission. It's the S that confounds me. Are they willing to take both credit and blame?

Finally, number 4 really frosts my cupcakes because it's just plain stupid. Imagine if we all lived that way, accepting the present reality of every single situation and never attempting to rise above it, to mold it, to improve it, or to ferret out its origins, relevance, relationships...anything. Besides all of that, what does it really mean? Is it merely some sort of license to do...nothing? Is it the New Millennium's "If it feels good, do it?" Isn't it basically a variation on the GenX "Whatever"? I'd like to find the person who started this pseudo-philosophy/mantra and wring his neck.

Sometimes, the best thing to say is a heartfelt, "That's terrible. I'm so sorry" and let it go at that.

Women, Why Do You Do That To Us?

You kill me, Women. And no, this isn't some sort of bashing or bitching about women in any way shape or form. I am, and my mother can attest to this, basically a flaming feminist. If I had a brassiere, I would burn it twice. Every election, I find candidates that most closely follow my own liberal philosophies regarding what I call My Big Three: Education, Women's Rights, and Foreign Policy. Also, diction.

Now that we have our disclaimer, here is, without further ado, and hopefully not many more commas, The Top Five Things Women Do Without Realizing It That KILL Me. In a Good Way.

1. The way Women look up from their menu when they order at dinner.
2. The way Women always look their best with a good pair of jeans and a solid sweater.
3. When Women sit on their leg in the passenger seat of my car.
4. Any time a Woman holds a purse down at her side by the straps instead of up on her shoulder.

5. When Women hum songs in the car like they forget that I'm there.

Now I shall explain.

1. It's always the same. They look up at the server with this slight tilt of the head and out of the corner of their eyes with a slight grin and looking back down at the menu AS they order food. It's like they are afraid they are the only ones that have ever ordered that before, but not in an arrogant way. This is especially cute when it's a drink order. Kills me.

2. This is a fact. Dresses? Eh. Skimpy stuff? No, but thank you, though. Just throw on a nice pair of jeans that fit the right way and a good solid sweater. That's all I need. And men, if you are lucky enough to witness the Cell Phone In The Back Pocket Move, just stop there. Doesn't get any better. And it isn't something sexual. It's more of a Cute Don't See It Very Often Thing.

3. THEY FIT! Comfortably! It's incredible. I don't get it. The best thing about this? Is that it demonstrates a comfort level. Not like physical comfort, but environmental comfort.

4. I think this demonstrates a level of confidence. The arms are not close to her body and that opens up body language; that's a good thing. Also, I think it demonstrates a lack of need for material things. Sometimes, a purse can hold important things and stuff like that. Not needing to have THINGS close to her, is, I think, something that can be rare.

5. This is like the leg sitting thing. Comfort is key. I am a comfort junkie. And I don't think I've ever heard a woman hum a song poorly. It's like it's some innate Lost Darwinian Adaptation. Whether I like a song or not, I always like a song when a good-looking woman is comfortable enough to hum it in the vehicle.

I don't know how many male readers we have here at Stuff, but if you're out there, let me know what makes your list. Ladies, feel free to do the same about men. Or women, if that's your thing. Hell, guys, what makes your list about other guys? We are all-inclusive, equal opportunity, and tolerant here at Stuff.