The Top 5 Bottom 5: Merry Christmas And Stop It Immediately

Whew! So...that's over. Pretty much all the hardcore Christmas stuff is done with. All the diet and weightloss commercials have already replaced the food and booze commercials on tv and radio, and most retail outlets are done blasting us with Holiday Music.

Good, because now I'm sick of all of it.

But there are a few Christmas songs I always abhor. Are you with me? Let's find out. Here's my list of

5 Christmas Songs I Absolutely Hate

1. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

2. All I Want For Christmas Is You

3. Merry Christmas Darling

4. The Twelve Days Of Christmas

5. We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Oh, don't even tell me that these don't make your skin crawl. I've already talked about that first one; it's so godawful that it made my All-Time Worst Songs list, which was my first ever Stuff post. In it, I characterized #1 by saying it "is the most retarded, rednecked bastardization of the Yuletide tradition I have ever heard. If I have heard one West Virginian-accented male voice hee-haw his way through a request for this little ditty on the radio, I have heard a thousand. Time to thin the herd." #2, a song by Mariah Scarey, is hilariously described on Wikipedia as a song whose "protagonist declares that she does not care about Christmas presents or lights; all she wants for Christmas is to be with her lover." How sweet. And Mariah declares this in a shrill, hooting voice that makes us aware that not only did she supposedly train for opera, but she also belongs in a Memorex commercial. She is just horrifying in general anyway. #3 is a terribly soporific song brought to us by the originators of the Soft Rock Genre, the Carpenters. This awful, draggy, when-will-it-be-over song is so boring that it should be used to quell prison riots. I once had to sing it in choir in high school. We all detested it, and the only way we could make it remotely endurable was to enunciate one memorable piece of phrasing thusly: "...I wish you could see...I wiSHIT ev'ry day." The director begged us not to do it during the concert and was positively ashen with anxiety the night of performance. Finally, the last two are self-evident, I think, but since #4 has so many incarnations, someone obviously thinks it has redeeming value. To which I must respond, "Like What!?" It's dreadful in absolutely every respect. Even The Muppets can't save this atrocious carol. It's repetitious, annoying, and possibly worst of all, slightly mathy. Ugh. And #5 suffers similar maladies, minus the mathiness, but with the addition of plain old bossiness. What other holiday song contains a stern order to "bring figgy pudding right here!"? Moreover, those martinets threaten that they "won't go until they get some," which I'm pretty sure is squatting or unlawful habitation, both of which are illegal. Makes the title of that song pretty ironic now, doesn't it? Wow.
But, all that's over now, and we are spared for another year. Bring on the Groundhog Hymns.

Out With The Olde And In With The New: Jazz Things Up With More Modern Christmas Songs

For some, Christmas is all about tradition, right down to the songs. I used to be that way, but as I got older, I started to get downright sick of all the Same Old Christmas Carols. It really hit home when my brother-in-law Tom started singing It Came Upon A Midnight Clear to the tune of O Little Town Of Bethlehem and it fit! (Try it. Seriously.) So many Christmas carols are boring and repetitive. They get annoying, let's face it.

Add to that the fact that my husband is sort of a Christmas Curmudgeon. It was time to shake things up and embrace some new Christmas Music. (Thank goodness for Trans-Siberian Orchestra!) I did, and here is a sampling of

New Christmas Songs I Like

1. Wizards in Winter by Trans-Siberian Orchestra
2. Happy Christmas by John Lennon
3. The Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack
4. Old City Bar by Trans-Siberian Orchestra
5. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

6. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen by Mannheim Steamroller

I know. It seems like I'm a little stuck on God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen, but in actuality, I'm not. Fascinated by the grammar possibilities presented by the comma placement, yes, but beyond that, I like when someone jazzes up a stodgy old song. And, truly...anything done by TSO for Christmas is excellent. If you listen to their entire CD of Christmas Eve and Other Stories, it follows a very captivating narrative. Rick, Jared, Sam, and I really enjoy going to see them when their tour comes to Cleveland. And although Charlie Brown has been around for years and years, most people don't put those tunes in the canon of Christmas carols. Especially that catchy instrumental called Linus and Lucy that plays when all the kids are dancing at rehearsal.

Next post: Christmas Songs We Hate. (You know they're out there.)

On The First Day Of Christmas, My True Love Gave To Me...Hey! What Was Up With All The Birds, Anyway? There's A Guy Who Needed Some Therapy.

'Tis The Season. Christmas music is everywhere, and you cannot escape it. Some retail outlets have been playing it since November 1st. At my house the rule is No Christmas music until December 1st. I'm kind of a Traditionalist like that.

And some people are Traditionalists about their Christmas music. They like the Old Stuff. No jazzed-up versions, no new soft-rock songs from pop stars to break into their pantheon of standards. Some people, however, are more eclectic; they eagerly add to their collections of Christmas music and embrace the New Stuff.

Let's take a look at both kinds, shall we? In this post, I'll give you a list of

Classic Christmas Songs I Like

1. Do You Hear What I Hear
2. Carol of the Bells
3. The Little Drummer Boy
4. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
5. Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy from The Nutcracker
6. In the Bleak Midwinter
7. O Come O Come Emmanuel

Some of these I like because I used to sing them in choir or, even longer ago, in church. I can still remember the rising crescendo and harmony of Do You Hear What I Hear when we sang it in high school. It always made me cry just a little. And the lyrics of In the Bleak Midwinter are so lovely. I like the James Taylor version; his voice is so comfortable, like this old pair of bluejeans I used to wear of Rick's that were already broken-in and soft. When James Taylor gets to the last verse, I am already misty and thoughtful. And even though the lyrics of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas are full of rose-colored lies, I can't help myself. Sometimes, I think a few moody, haunting Christmas songs need to be tossed into the mix, and that's where O Come O Come Emmanuel fits in. It's got a great lilting depth to it and some really sad, scary lines in there that remind everyone that not everything about the whole Christian thing is all holly berries and eggnog.

Now it's your turn in Comments. What Christmas Classics do you favor?

Next post: New Christmas Carols I Like

Merry Christmas and Mea Culpa From "Stuff"

Wow! So, that happened. We've been remiss in posting--especially Nance--and we're sorry. There are a ton of good reasons, but here are the best ones in no particular order:

Top 5 Reasons We Were Slugs And Didn't Post
1. Finals
2. The Scarlet Letter
3. Christmas
4. Fatigue & Generalized Malaise aka Burnout
5. The Craziness over at the Tie Report

We'll each take the ones that are germane to ourselves and chat them up. Here's Nance:

2. The Scarlet Letter: I just finished dragging my honors sophomores through this, and let me tell you, it was exhausting. Only Nathaniel Hawthorne can take a sexy story like a Puritan pastor knocking up a lonely wife and bury it in an avalanche of paragraph-long sentences and polysyllabic words. If I had a dollar for every time a kid said, "Oh, that was what happened? WOW!", I'd be retired and typing this in the Bahamas by now.

3. Christmas is the workiest holiday ever. 'Nuff said.

4. ZZZzzzzzzz....! Huh? Am I still typing this post? I will spend the entire Christmas break in my fleece pants and bathrobe and (hopefully) new slippers napping, waking only to go back to bed.

5. Since my little Brian Williams Tie Report site got noticed and the AP story broke the day before Thanksgiving, it has been insane. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful and excited. VERY! But the pressure is on. I can no longer wait a couple days when I'm busy or tired to do the Reports. The very fact that BW himself reads The Report is amazing to me. I've been contacted by other people in the industry who read it. Good heavens.

Jared, take it away!

1. It is no surprise, nor is it news, that I had finals and that they were brutal and took up far more of my time than I anticipated or wanted them to. Almost 200 pages written, and nearly 1300 read in a span of about two and a half weeks. I know, right?

3. I recently declared to my mother that I may not do Christmas ever again. This is, of course, not true. I mean, the sentiment is, but the actual denouncing of Christmas just isn't going to happen. It is stressful, it starts in October, and it beats me over the head while at the same time sneaking up on me. How is this possible?

4. See 1 and 3 for other examples of this. Look, the whole thing here is that everything this time of year feels like the biggest deal ever. Last Friday, my cell rang, I answered it, and it was a wrong number. I looked at the Lady Friend and said "Can you believe that? It's almost Christmas". She told me to calm down and asked if I needed another Dortmunder or if perhaps I would like "something stronger like a martini." Burnout. I was burnt out and couldn't deal with the idiot on the other line. Just couldn't.

5. I too, have had some craziness related to some national exposure as well. Get your minds out of the gutter, all of my clothes remained on. I write for thefootballexpert.com, and it has turned me into a legitimate high demand expert. I do interviews for a nationally syndicated program (DC And The Family) every Friday morning, I do a Cleveland webcast every Monday night, and I have done interviews for ESPN Radio in Dallas, Philly, and Phoenix on several occasions. AND I have to find time to write what the site wants me to. Being an NFL Draft Analyst does not, contrary to popular belief, begin and end with the Draft.

So, loyal readers, accept this post as a peace offering for our sabbatical. Once things calm down with Christmas, we will back with a bit more regularity. After all, this is one of our Top 5 priorites.

The Only 5 Christmas Specials We Really Need

There's way too many Christmas specials on TV, and they come on way too early. Most of them are crap. I'm not one of those people who say that the TV specials were way better when I was a kid forty years ago. We had crappy Christmas specials then, too--creepy marionettes and a really dumb one based upon the carol "The Little Drummer Boy" that went way beyond the basics of that song. But there are way too many now that are plain garbage, and we need to get back to the basics. Here is my list--in no particular order--of

The Only 5 Christmas Specials We Really Need:

1. How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
3. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas
5. The House without a Christmas Tree

The Grinch cartoon is a classic narrated by Boris Karloff, and the singing is done by the legendary Thurl Ravenscroft, who, in addition to having a kick-ass name, did tons of voices for Disney including that of Kirby, the Brave Little Toaster. Doesn't matter. The Grinch is probably the best Christmas special in that it is a timeless classic. It has no product tie-ins, no pop culture references, and nothing to date it. Best thing? It's not sappy.

Rudolph is the most iconic Christmas special there is. Yes, it's hokey. Yes, it has that horrid musical sequence with Rudoph and Clarice. Yes, it has the incredibly cruel Santa scenes. (And what exactly is so horribly wrong with that misfit doll, anyway? No nose? Give a kid a Sharpie--FIXED!) But when Rudolph trumpets, "Ready, Santa!" in that goofy voice, you know you love it.

Mr. Magoo doing Ebenezer Scrooge was genius casting. This is the best version of the Dickens story that there ever was. As a rule, I'm no fan of musicals, but this one gave us the term "razzleberry dressing." Come on!

And, I'm sorry, if you do not love the Charlie Brown Christmas special, then you have no soul. In its place, you have a black, sulphurous, leeching void. What about Pigpen as the Innkeeper? What about the dancing twins? What about Snoopy's doghouse winning First Prize?

Finally, if you have never seen "The House without a Christmas Tree," then you have missed a really good Christmas special. It was televised in 1972, but is set in the 40s. Heavy-hitter Jason Robards stars in it, and it's a heartbreaker about a little girl whose father is left to raise her after her mom dies, and he just plain sucks at it. She desperately wants a Christmas tree, but he...well, not so much.

Probably since this is already December 3rd, the networks are done showing Christmas specials and have moved on to showing summer reruns. But you can put these on your October calendar for next year!

Things That Threaten The Christmas Spirit

Every year, I think to myself that I'm going to DO Christmas. Like, really DO it. I'm not going to crabass around about traffic, snow, early advertising, whatever. And every year, there are things that let me down--despite my honest attempt at being good-natured about "The Holidays". Here they are this year:

1. There really isn't anything that I can say that I WANT.
2. I have finals to worry about before I can care about Christmas.
3. Disney's seemingly legitimate belief that Narnia: Prince Caspian really is the perfect Holiday gift.
4. The constant bashing over the head I will receive about how the troops don't get to see their families.
5. The 12 Days of Christmas.

Quickly, a comment about each.

I have good stuff already and aside from clothes, eh, don't know if I NEED anything either. More socks, more white undershirts (Hanes tagless, size M, crew neck). Finals suck. And are stressful. I rest my case. I refuse to watch Narnia. Ever. I don't care what happens, I am NOT watching that damn movie...any of them. Look, I sympathize with the families of troops and I feel it. But I feel like the other 364 days a year should also count towards the consideration that I give this issue. Plus, with bumper stickers, those damn ribbons, and people and rallies at school, I get it. Trust me. This is the worst Christmas song of all time. And that's saying something because Jingle Bell Rock is also heinous. Also, I hate almost all Christmas music.