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Sunday, June 14, 2009

Stuff That Is Dead To Us


Somewhere along the line, something happened. An episode, an accident, an incident, whatever. The point is that sometimes in life, something happens and turns us against things. You go your whole life having no real issue with something, then....BANG. That thing is now dead to you. To hell with that thing. You'll never use that thing again, eat that thing again, watch that thing again, or go to that thing again--that's how much to hell with it.

I, Jared, declare the following things

Stuff That Is Dead To Me

1. The semicolon.
2. American League Baseball.
3. Chocolate Cake.
4. Ranch Dressing.
5. Vodka.

1. Why do we need this? Can we simply not just...make a new sentence? I have never understood why it is that people use the semicolon. That, and it is also infuriating when the grammar check on Microsoft Word wants me to use it. For what? You are dead to me, Semicolon.

2. Until they do away with the designated hitter, I am left with no choice but to do away with AL baseball. The same teams every year are good, the same three teams always stink or start off hot and come back to earth. Plus, being in the American League means that on every team, there is a guy who is making the same salary as other guys...to only play half the game. Good riddance, AL Baseball.

3. The most overrated thing ever is chocolate cake. Especially with chocolate frosting. Stop doing that, everyone, or you're grounded. If you are dying to have chocolate so badly, why not just go buy a Hershey bar? It's cheaper, it's easier. Part of me thinks chocolate cake to be pretentious. Good day, Chocolate Cake!

4. Of all things, this is the one I am most passionate about. Stop putting Ranch on everything. It does not go on pizza. Ever. I don't care. I don't want it on my chicken. And please, can we stop sullying and embarrassing bacon by associating it with ranch? Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza, wraps, even fucking soup. Bacon Ranch Pringles? Stop it. And simply adding BBQ to ranch doesn't make it "Southwest Ranch". All you have done is ruined the BBQ. Fuck Ranch.

5. OK. So here is the thing with Vodka. It's for girls and people that didn't know what they were doing when they started drinking, so they just ordered it and now it's "their drink". I have never really liked vodka, but I tolerated it in shot form, or as part of a recipe for drinks...stuff like that. Until the bachelor party. Ike got married and we went into downtown Cleveland for the bach party. A friend was buying the drinks and before I knew it, I was sucking down Vodka and Red Bull like it was my job. Felt like hell for two days and last time I smelled vodka, I gagged. No. More. Vodka. Ever. That's how much fuck vodka.

We're double-teaming you this post, so here's Nance:

Stuff That Is Dead To Me

1. Cheetos
2. Red Robin
3. Texas
4. Gin
5. Margarine

Sigh. Cheetos and I used to have a major relationship. When the bigass checkerboard Cheetos came out, I even bought my own bag and, sadly, hid them from my children. (I am not proud of this.) Many of my fatpounds could be attributed solely to Cheetos. Then, one day, Cheetos turned on me. I felt an oily roiling in my stomach and a wave of nausea like a fluorescent orange tidal wave. I did not gurge, but damn near. Damn near. As of that moment--and it was probably about six years ago--I swore off Cheetos for good.

Red Robin is a franchised burger joint that Rick and I used to go to about every Friday night. Until two things happened: (1) It became so kidful and noisy that I got frantic and wanted to slit my wrists after a week of teenwrangling at The Rock; (2) I found out that they use a conveyor-belt type machine to cook their hamburgers, not a flattop or grill, which explained why I could never, ever, ever get my hamburger with the correct amount of pink in the middle and instead got a grey overdone slab of meat. Dead to me.

I know I have lots of blogfriends in The Lone Star State, and I don't want to offend anyone, but ever since The Dark Times (i.e. The Bush Years) and having Texas shoved down our throats, I have a terrible preconceived idea of this State. That, and all of the Food Network specials that show all the huge steaks being eaten competitively and the overabundance of "Tex-Mex" food and the fact that everyone there can't eat anything unless it includes chipotle or barbecue makes me want to avoid this place like the plague. All that, plus Tom DeLay, Country Music, the Bushes, Gary Busey, Renee "I Need A Sudafed" Zellwegger...yikes. DTM.

Gin. Oh, boy. Even talking about it makes me gag. Let's just say that there was an episode in college and leave it at that. (At least give me credit for remembering the episode.) Gin? Huh?

Finally, margarine. Listen, there are about 100 calories in a tablespoon of butter. There are about 90 in a tablespoon of margarine because they spin in some water. Oh, but think of what you are giving up! Succinctly--just your soul! It's OIL AND WATER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I used to use margarine all the time--Fleischmann's, to be exact, and it is still the best of the worst. But butter is better. It tastes so much better. I put a stick out in my little crockery Butter Cow and it is rendered spreadable, so no worries there. I abhor the fakey taste of margarine, but I have to buy both because Rick is still Margarine Dependent. But to me--Margarine = Dead.

So, think long and hard, Stuff readers. What, after long last, is now Dead To You, and why?

14 comments:

Ortizzle said...

JPD: No particular feelings for No. 2, but I'm on board with all the rest, especially the "Ranch" phenomena. (Where did that stupid name for a salad dressing come from, anyway?) I have a thing about ordering salad in restaurants where I get a blank stare if I ask if they have oil and vinegar to use for my dressing. (And that would be the original unvarnished ingredients, NOT the awful stuff sold in bottles.) When my niece came to visit me in Spain several years ago, she invariably asked for that stuff in restaurants: "Quiero Ranch-oh para mi ensalada." Barf. That stuff is maybe DIP, appropriate for making a stalk of raw broccoli more palatable, but who wants the delicate flavors of radicchio and rocket under a blanket of liquid cement? "F" ranch, indeed.

The semicolon: You have no doubt heard Vonnegut's oft quoted opinion on that, but for the record: "Do not use semicolons. They stand for absolutely nothing. They are transvestite hermaphrodites." And if you want to watch him say it, it's even funnier:
http://tinyurl.com/3c96dn

NANCE: Oh, my, yes. I loved cheetos as a kid and later had a similar experience to yours. What really put me off was the feeling that the roof of my mouth was coated in a layer of wax. Probably because it was. Yuck!

Texas: Hmmm. Better not go there. Oops, I already am there: I live about 3 miles from the retired G. W. (Better not go there, either.)

Gin: I used to love a very dry martini, which is really the only way to drink gin. But it's a little heavy-duty for me now.

Margarine: I switched to butter (in small amounts) years ago after reading that margarine was originally invented to fatten turkeys until... it started killing the turkeys, at which point the inventors decided that it might just be marketable for killing humans.

THINGS THAT ARE DEAD TO ME: I am going to make a slight departure here and focus this question on things about my now "old" job that are, thankfully, dead to me: (no explanation necessary, right?)

1. Lunch duty
2. Department / Faculty meetings
3. Parent-Teacher conferences
4. Chaperoning hormone-crazed
teens at school dances (orgies)
5. Meaningful Faculty Evaluations

Sorry this answer is so long. That is a tribute to both of you for making such comment-worthy lists. (And think about it: a tandem post means possibly commenting on 10 different things and then adding another 5, lol. Plus... your comment section tells us to discuss. :-)

Tiana said...

I agree with Nance's list in its entirety, but man, Jared, you chose three of my favorite things. I overuse the semicolon, I order/bake chocolate cake whenever possible, and I'm one of those girls who loves vodka (and with cranberry juice!). We are in serious disagreement. I hate Ranch, too, though.

I could only think of two. I've been lucky, I guess.
1. Chipotle (the burrito place, not the pepper)
2. Whiskey

1. I can't help it. We have a great burrito place here, and then last year a Chipotle moved in across the street and all of the bros went wild--ugh. That meant war. Fortunately, the local place is still thriving, probably because it's open until three in the morning.
2. I figured I'd add my own alcohol. I really like whiskey, and the occasional Jack and Coke is great, but one night with a bottle of Maker's Mark ensured that I would never drink more than one glass of whiskey again. I can't tell I'm drunk until it's too late to turn back, and before I know it I'm passed out. Wicked stuff.

Nance said...

Okay, before I discuss with Our Readers, let me just say This to Jared:

1. You know how I feel about the semicolon. It is my favorite punctuation mark, and I feel it is the hallmark of the accomplished writer. I employ it copiously, and I will do it far more often just to honk you off. You are; an idiot. There. I used it incorrectly there on purpose. ;;;;;

2. I heart both chocolate cake WITH chocolate frosting and vodka. Don't even talk to me, Mr. "I Am Not Going To Use Spoons Anymore Just To Prove I Can Go Without Them."
Watch it, or you will be Dead To Me. Just Sayin'.

Okay. Breathing.

Ortizzle--I would visit That Place just to see you. Maybe. But only if you refused to meet me someplace halfway. And please know that I do not claim that OHIO is by any means preferable in any category. Good heavens. Our state motto is "Why do we live here?" Re: your list...I AM SO EFFING JEALOUS THAT I AM IN PAIN.

Tiana--I used to drink Black Velvet and 7up back in the day. Even Whiskey sours. Now, I just don't like the taste. But, it isn't DTM; I'd still drink it if someone gave me one. (I JUST USED A SEMICOLON AND I AM PROUD.) I also like vodka and cranberry with a snap of lime--the cape codder, as we order it. Or, if it's a martini, the cosmopolitan. we're of the same mind.

Mikey G. said...

Europe: I know I'm a spoiled brat here, but I've been to Europe enough that it's really lost its appeal to me. Nothing feels exciting; it's as though the differences in culture between two European countries are just the differences between two US states. And everyone says, "Oh, but the small towns are all unique and quaint and gorgeous!" Yes - unique, quaint and gorgeous, all in the same exact way.

Cheap Indian food: After finding a really good Indian restaurant and seeing how great Indian food can be, I can't stomach the cheap, fast food stuff. I can cook better than that.

Ortizzle said...

NANCE: We're planning a trip to Washington, D.C. around the end of June. That's a lot more than half way, so if you're in the area...

gfe--gluten free easily said...

Well, I'm feeling like my brain is dead to me this evening, but I laughed a lot when I read your lists so I'll give it a go anyway.

First, a few comments on your lists. I like the semi-colon. (But, please don't start evaluating my usage of semi-colons.) Baseball has been dead to me since high school when I would listen to Orioles games on the radio. Chocolate cake ... only a fan of the flourless (or near flourless) varieties--I like chocolate cake nice and dense. Ranch dressing--no. Vodka--it's not dead to me, but it's been years since I drank any. Now I use it to make vanilla extract. Seriously. Cheetos--I will eat a couple if I'm starving and there's nothing else. I've just never been a fan. Red Robin--Never been although they are supposed to be pretty accommodating to gf folks. Texas--Never been there, but I have met some outrageous folks from there. However, I'm sure there are non-outrageous ones as well. :-) Gin--Ugh. Margarine--Is it coincidence that I gave up margarine when I gave up gluten and now have perfect cholesterol numbers? I don't think so. Typical cardiologists push the stuff, but I think our bodies know how to better use butter. (Of course, giving up gluten helped, too.)

My list:

Bourbon--College experience with a morning after I remember vividly.

Soap operas--I seriously used to watch them until about 20 years ago.

Murder mysteries and most TV shows along those lines--After having young girls murdered in our area by a serial killer, I can't find much enjoyment in those books/shows any more. I do watch Medium still.

Product parties--I just can't bring myself to attend any of them. I honestly tell people I've reached that stage in my life where I am decluttering and don't need any more stuff. Similarly, I don't buy from the school fundraising efforts either. I'll give a donation instead.

Cool Whip--This is a new one for me. I found out the other day that one of the ingredients is often used in condoms. Nice, huh? But, it's not just that. It's all made of chemicals and is crap.

Shirley

Nina said...

JPD, Chocolate cake? Seriously? I recently had some mint oreo chocolate cake that was no way overrated. It was simply lovely. Chocolate, in any form is perfect, really.

Nance said...

Shirley--Product parties and Soap Operas, I am so with you. I haven't watched/followed a "soap" since 1988, which is when Sam was born. And I finally just learned to say "no" when it came to Mary Kay, Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Partylites, all that crap. I know so many people say "Oh, just come! You don't have to buy anything!" but really, you feel ridiculous if you don't, and if you know you're not going to, then why the hell go? It's like being in the audience for an infomercial then.

Mikey--Oh my. You DO sound like a spoiled brat! Well, just stay home then, and leave Europe alone for the rest of us plebes.

JPD said...

nance-you have just proven the pointlessness and utter ridiculousness of the semicolon by misusing it and then pointing it out. thus proving that it is arbitrary. i declare myself the winner. and i went almost A WHOLE YEAR WITHOUT USING ONE SINGLE SPOON! do not sully or cheapen the achievement in that.

Ortizzle- thank you. ranch is one of those things that happened because of...what is it called when...oh yeah, people are idiots. once more for good measure...F RANCH!

Tiana - its not so much that i have a giant beef with vodka, i just dont understand why people like it or why they need it. we have gin, lets all try to take advantage of it. tiana, try a gin, cranberry, and soda on the rocks with a twist of lemon. trust me. oh, and youre welcome.

mikey - shut up. kidding. no seriously. id die to go to europe. lets go sometime and you can show me all the ins and outs, if it ever becomes..UNDEAD to you, that is.

GFE - i make an exception for brownies, which is basically a flourless cake, right? or no? im confused. but all deserts are better when DENSE. i want to CHEW it...otherwise, id have pudding.

nina - its been a while since we saw eye-to-eye on some of these lists. its worrying me a little bit. its like i dont even know who you ARE anymore.

Mikey G. said...

JPD - So go to Europe! I'm only working part-time, I live in one of the most expensive areas in the country, and I still manage to set aside $200/month for trapeze lessons. Be frugal, save $200/month, and go for it next Spring!

Note: frugal means eating in, buying cheap groceries, not buying alcohol, walking when you can, and not buying lots of crap. It's hard for a lot of people to be frugal, but Europe should be good enough motivation.

BooksterOne said...

Nance and Jared:
Interesting lists, yours. I, too, think margarine is evil;however, I don't know how anyone can write effectively without using semicolons! (Hey! I just used one with an adverbial conjunction; be still my heart! Oops, there's another one...)

I've had to think a bit because I have been trying to be pleasant as I creep toward sixty. Still, I find I do have a list. Mostly, it consists of people. (People have always irritated me.)

The following people are dead to me:

1. Those who think anyone's sexual preference matters. (I'm talking gay here, not kids - goats or otherwise.)

C'mon, folks...who gives a rip? Frankly, I'm busy. I'm not discussing my sex life, and I certainly don't want to hear about anyone else's. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care, and I DOUBT God cares either. Get over it, especially any of you heterosexuals who think gays who marry are somehow destroying your "sacred" institution. Over half of my students are children who have divorced parents which suggests straight people do a swell job of fucking up their own marriages.

2. Those who think they should have ANY say whether women have the right to safe and legal abortions.

Gee, guess what? We already have that right, and IT'S THE LAW! Please, all of you self-righteous Christians, keep your religious beliefs away from my constitutional rights. A pox on Randall Terry and his "Operation Rescue" zealots! Why aren't they "rescuing" abused and neglected children, death row inmates, everyone in the military, animals on factory farms or in laboratories? You're either pro-life, or you're not, you bastards, and most of you - very simply - are not. You're anti-Christian if you're anything, and you make me sick. Mind your own business; make safe and reliable birth control and responsible sex education readily available; and create and support health care reform measures, especially those which provide for the care of people who are already born.

3. Those who call themselves
"Christians" but who are far from it

See the aforementioned items one and two. There's more I can say, but getting this angry isn't good for me.

4. Rush Limbaugh and
5. Sarah Palin

No explanations necessary

I could go on, but you get my drift. It's items one and two that really raise my blood pressure. I have promised myself the next time I hear ANYONE begin to rag on either gays or abortion rights, I'm just going to say, "How very odd that you think this is your business."

Oh, I must confess...I really like Cool Whip...not just Cool Whip, but Cool Whip Free which is, I guess, free from ANYTHING but chemicals...Oh well...

Nance said...

BooksterOne--I'm with you on all those, really. And you know, if you read my Dessert Stuff post below, how I feel about Cool Whip. Have you had the chocolate flavor yet? Not too shabby. If you read my other blog--at the Dept.--I posted way early on about fake Christians. I called them Xians because I was ranting about how they got all steamed up regarding the term "Xmas", yet they were the ones taking "Christ" out of Christmas, yada yada yada. Sigh. I could go on and on about my Issue With Intolerant Xians. Obv.

Tiana said...

I'm willing to be convinced otherwise, but as of now I consider gin to be little more than a pine tree, bottled. It's so odd.

JPD said...

tiana - stop sucking on pinetrees.
there, that oughta help.

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