Monday, March 22, 2010

March Mania (I promise this will be better than the NCAA tournament)

Supposedly, this is March. And in some ways, I know that it is. But it just doesn't feel like it. Usually, I get excited about it. My birthday, the NCAA tournament, the NBA coming to the stretch run...things are supposed to be coming along.

However, it just doesn't FEEL like it's March for some reasons. And it is these reasons I am annoyed by.

Stuff About March
1. The NCAA tournament sucks.
2. The weather is absolute bullshit.
3. My birthday will happen.
4. There is baseball beginning to happen.
5. The Easter Bunny is at the mall.

Let's separate these into reasons that it obnoxiously DOES feel like March, and reasons that it. does not.


2. The weather is bullshit. Honestly, one day a couple weeks ago, it was 70 degrees. I went out that night and was comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans with no jacket anywhere near me. I promise, this happened. Do you know what happened two days later? It snowed. Swear to god, this is a fact. Also, two days ago, it was 60 degrees and gorgeous. Of course, as a result of this, I worked ALL DAY. Today? Today is my day off and it is 40 degrees and has been raining all day. Now, if it were gorgeous, would I be active outside? Probably not. But I would like to have that option.

4. I hate it. I am so fucking sick of all things baseball, that I could throw up all over myself as I type this. It is the single most boring sport ever. Will I go to a game in person? I don't know. Can I get loaded and have pizza and wings before it? Also, can I spend less than fifteen bucks on my seat? Do I have to drive? If the answers are, in order: yes, yes, and no...than yes I am in. Will I watch a game on television? Not unless I am suffering from insomnia or am pulling a Dimmesdale and punishing myself for something. I don't ever want to watch a baseball game on TV again...that's how much fuck baseball.

5. The Easter Bunny is always there, and I always wonder why. Do kids ask him for stuff? Isn't this why we have Santa? Also, it isn't even remotely believable that it is a real bunny. For real. At least with Santa, he is the size of a real person, looks like a real person, and IS A REAL PERSON! That "bunny"? Not even close. It's big, plastic, doughy eyes sort of stare at you blankly. Then, there's that weird seam between his neck and his do kids buy this? Are they THAT stupid? Also, the Easter Bunny was spotted smoking a menthol cigarette in the alley behind Harry Buffalo. Just sayin'.

Does Not

1. I used to enjoy the NCAA tournament. I used to get excited and throw a bunch of money away on brackets, call off of work on the first day of the tourney, and use it as an excuse to get loaded in the afternoon. Now? I hate it. The basketball is not high quality, the athletes--for the most part--are not high quality, and the announcing is ridiculous. And can we stop the charade that every team has a chance? They don't. A 16-seed has never beaten a 1-seed. Let alone win more than that game or a title. To hell with college sports. They are crap. Except BGSU women's basketball; those of you that know me, know why this is...can you blame me?

3. Evidently, I will be 25. Who knew? I feel old. Not OLDER than I was/am. Just OLD in general. I don't want gifts, I don't want a party, I don't even really want/need to use it as an excuse to get loaded. I think that being 25 means that you don't need a reason, or a defence for your desire to do so. I will have dinner with my parents and potentially my brother and grandmother. I will enjoy a great meal and my family's company, and really, what more do you need from a birthday? I had a girl ask me recently, "What are you gonna get for your birthday?" What? I don't know. Nothing? And that's fine. All I really need is jeans and boxers. Maybe a t-shirt. Am I concerned? No. The one disconcerting thing here is that I used get AMPED for birthdays. Old sucks. And the real bad part? I am only getting older.

I don't mean to sound like I'm being bitchy. It isn't that March has been terrible. Not for me at least. How about all of you?

Here's to April bringing better weather, better basketball, and of course, the NFL Draft.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Break Time Is Over! Tell These Bores To Stuff It!

I've been a real crabass lately for a variety of reasons that I won't venture into here and now, but it's led me to create this list of

Stuff That People Need To Stop Boring Me With

1. Showing me pictures on their cellphones
2. Telling me about the dream they had
3. Making me watch them do something on the computer
4. Forcing me to wait while their baby/toddler/pet performs something
5. Compelling me to look at pictures of people I don't even know

All of these are interminably horrid. If you don't know why, please continue reading. If I've begun to bore you senseless by telling you something you already know, by all means, go read something else and accept my profound apology.


1. This is terrible because it is ridiculously small and I cannot see it. Also, it does not stay on the screen long enough to survive the exchange from cellphone owner to cellphone viewer, and I am not cellphone savvy enough to know how to get it back on there. Already, my patience is taxed beyond belief. No picture is worth this unless it is, say, Johnny Depp naked and holding a sign saying, "NANCE, I NEED YOU. CALL ME AT (and his cell number appears here)."

2. Bill Maher, thinker and political satirist once said, "Nobody wants to hear about your dreams. That's why they play in exclusive engagements in your head." Moreover, your dreams are weird, incoherent, and make absolutely no sense, even to you. You were held hostage in the night by your dreams; that does not mean that I must be. More than once, I have had to listen to lengthy monologues that begin like this: So, I was at my house, but it wasn't my house, but it was, you know? And my mom was there, but it wasn't my mom, but it was, and she was wearing like this gold thingy on her head that wasn't exactly a crown, but I can't really explain it. Then, all of a sudden, we were at my cousin's house having dinner. And my third grade teacher was there, and this dog...." Ugh. Spare me.

3. Watching someone else do something--anything--on a computer is Almost The Epitome Of Boring. I don't care if it is a seminar at which we are suddenly told that we cannot get the software ourselves, but "It's okay! We can do the demo and you can at least See What You Could Have Been Doing!!!!" or some kid who wants me to watch him play Elmo's Happy Fun Alphabet Maze. B-O-R-I-N-G. At least serve me a martini or some wine and a few nibblies so that I don't have to grind my teeth and chew on my own hair.

4. Let's face it: everyone thinks his or her kid/pet is the cutest and the smartest and is the First One To Do Anything Charming. That's fine. Mommies and Daddies, whether their kids are animals or human, have to feel this way. It's their job. But when they inflict this on me, I have to protest--even if I keep it all inside or only vent on the Interwebs. How many of you have had the Dreaded One-Way Telephone Conversation whilst Little Wunderkind merely breathed or gummed the phone when he was supposed to be saying something? Or how many of you had to sit and watch for forty-eleven minutes while a dog cocked its head until its ears switched places because its owner swore up and down that it could say I Love You? Aaargh.

5. The Parade Of The Unknown is an event I have come to dread, especially at school. Students love to haul out massive amounts of pictures, sometimes in albums, and trumpet, "Want to see the pictures of my aunt's wedding?" HELL, NO! I want to scream at them. I used to smile and say, "Oh, sure." And then have to witness interminable snapshots of complete and total strangers with a running commentary that bordered on the bizarre thoroughness of a director's notes supplied with a DVD of a major motion picture. Finally, I just got downright brutal. Now, I say, "Will I know anyone in these photos? Are you in them? If so, pick out 6 or 7 of those, and I'll look at them. That's all I really have time for, and I don't know anyone else, so I won't need to look at any others." Sigh.

CONFESS! Do you bore people with this Stuff? Or do you have other Boring Stuff to add to my list?


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