Friday, May 22, 2009

And The Oscar Doesn't Go To...

I haven't been to a movie in months. This is mainly because I get uncomfortably cold in the theater, but also because no movies appeal to me enough to plunk down the big bucks and then run the risk of some morons A) talking during the entire film; B) allowing their cellphones to go off or actually taking/making a call; C) kicking my chair constantly. I've also noticed that most of the movies are just kinda crappy. Or, they star actors that, frankly, I'm not too enamored with. Here's my list of:

Actors That Are Way Overrated

1. Tom Cruise
2. Tom Hanks
3. Julia Roberts
4. Leonardo DiCaprio
5. Cameron Diaz

1. Okay, please. I cannot take him seriously, period. He's always Tom Cruise. I'll admit he was pretty good in Magnolia, but that was ten years ago. He's icky.

2. This guy is ... like a piece of white bread toast. I mean, he's okay in a pinch, but there's nothing to him. Unless you dress him all up and give him a lot of accoutrements, he's nothing.

3. Horrifying.

4. What does anyone see in this person? He chews up his words and spits them out like bubblegum. When he was in Gangs of New York and played a gang banger leader opposite Daniel Day-Lewis's badass Bill the Butcher, it was laughable. I wouldn't have followed this chubby little guy to a candy store, let alone in an all-out gangland slaughter against a killer who said, "You tell young Vallon I'm gonna paint Paradise Square with his blood. Two coats. I'll festoon my bedchamber with his guts." The last thing I saw Leo in was the outstanding film Revolutionary Road with Kate Winslet who outshone him so badly that he might as well have been in another film altogether.

5. All this individual seems to want to do is grin and find a reason to shake her derriere at whichever camera is closest. She is a nightmare.

Who tarnishes the Silver Screen for you? (OR--horrors!--do you find yourself needing to defend anyone in my Five?)

Friday, May 15, 2009

Food, Glorious Food--Okay, Maybe Not "Glorious"

You eat it. You just won't admit it. But I will. Here are my

5 Embarrassing Foods That I Eat

1. Circus Peanuts
2. Spam
3. Liver
4. Lima Beans
5. Marshmallow Fluff

Oh shut up. Like you don't eat some of them, too.

First of all, circus peanuts are stupid, I'll admit it. Why are they orange? What is so circusy about oversized, flat-bottomed, compressed cotton-candyish marshmallow? And why aren't they peanut flavored? I don't get it either, but they taste amazing.

And if Spam is so horrifying, then why is it so incredibly popular in Hawaii? No, it does not get its name from "spamster," a genetically engineered animal specially created with no bones or hair just for its meat by the Hormel company. It is an amalgam of "spiced ham," which is what this product is. I love it cold or warmed. With these Tough Economic Times, Spam is now making a comeback. For me, it never really left. For all you Health Nuts, you can buy low fat and low sodium incarnations. I like my Spam Hi-Test.

Even grownups shudder and grimace like toddlers when I have cause to admit my love of liver. How sad. Even sadder is the fact that I can't ever have it. My family is Not On Board With Liver. No restaurants offer it on their menus because of The Vast Conspiracy Against It. My mother used to make liver almost every Monday night, sauteed in onions, and served with...

Lima beans! I am an unabashed Lima bean lover. I buy the huge Fordhook variety and, quite simply, cook the shit out of them until they are as soft and mushy as mashed potatoes. Then I put salt and a lot of black pepper and approximately eleventy pounds of real butter on them and...excuse me. I need a moment.... Sigh. Some days, I make a whole brick of Limas for my dinner. I do not share. (I never have to. Limas are another thing that No One Is On Board With. I used to pay Sam a Lima Bean Nickel at dinner for trying one. Some nights, I'd find it under the table. The bean, not the nickel.)

Finally, I eat marshmallow fluff from the jar. By itself. Don't try and stop me. You'll only get hurt.
Come on. 'Fess up. We won't tell (anyone but the Interwebs, that is). What are your food foibles?


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