Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Women, Why Do You Do That To Us?

You kill me, Women. And no, this isn't some sort of bashing or bitching about women in any way shape or form. I am, and my mother can attest to this, basically a flaming feminist. If I had a brassiere, I would burn it twice. Every election, I find candidates that most closely follow my own liberal philosophies regarding what I call My Big Three: Education, Women's Rights, and Foreign Policy. Also, diction.

Now that we have our disclaimer, here is, without further ado, and hopefully not many more commas, The Top Five Things Women Do Without Realizing It That KILL Me. In a Good Way.

1. The way Women look up from their menu when they order at dinner.
2. The way Women always look their best with a good pair of jeans and a solid sweater.
3. When Women sit on their leg in the passenger seat of my car.
4. Any time a Woman holds a purse down at her side by the straps instead of up on her shoulder.
5. When Women hum songs in the car like they forget that I'm there.

Now I shall explain.

1. It's always the same. They look up at the server with this slight tilt of the head and out of the corner of their eyes with a slight grin and looking back down at the menu AS they order food. It's like they are afraid they are the only ones that have ever ordered that before, but not in an arrogant way. This is especially cute when it's a drink order. Kills me.

2. This is a fact. Dresses? Eh. Skimpy stuff? No, but thank you, though. Just throw on a nice pair of jeans that fit the right way and a good solid sweater. That's all I need. And men, if you are lucky enough to witness the Cell Phone In The Back Pocket Move, just stop there. Doesn't get any better. And it isn't something sexual. It's more of a Cute Don't See It Very Often Thing.

3. THEY FIT! Comfortably! It's incredible. I don't get it. The best thing about this? Is that it demonstrates a comfort level. Not like physical comfort, but environmental comfort.

4. I think this demonstrates a level of confidence. The arms are not close to her body and that opens up body language; that's a good thing. Also, I think it demonstrates a lack of need for material things. Sometimes, a purse can hold important things and stuff like that. Not needing to have THINGS close to her, is, I think, something that can be rare.

5. This is like the leg sitting thing. Comfort is key. I am a comfort junkie. And I don't think I've ever heard a woman hum a song poorly. It's like it's some innate Lost Darwinian Adaptation. Whether I like a song or not, I always like a song when a good-looking woman is comfortable enough to hum it in the vehicle.

I don't know how many male readers we have here at Stuff, but if you're out there, let me know what makes your list. Ladies, feel free to do the same about men. Or women, if that's your thing. Hell, guys, what makes your list about other guys? We are all-inclusive, equal opportunity, and tolerant here at Stuff.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

I've Got My Stimulus Package Right Here

(box reads: wine of the month club)
This comic strip is about the only humorous thing I've seen (or heard) regarding The Big Economic Bailout. Frankly, I'm sick of hearing it bandied about in the news, in conversation, on the radio, damn near everyplace.

In the spirit of this strip, here's what would be inside

My Stimulus Package

1. Champagne
2. "The Last of the Mohicans" and "The Age of Innocence" starring Daniel Day-Lewis
3. Steamed Lobster and Drawn Butter
4. 80-degree Weather
5. A Ban On Cellphones

Obviously, no explanation necessary.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

C'Mon, People, Get With The Program!

Patience is a virtue, I get that. But, really, can't we all pull together and put a stop to some seriously annoying crap out there? I have to think that the following things are universally detested.
5 Things People Have To Stop Doing
1. Dressing their dogs
2. Leashing their kids
3. Talking on cellphones while being helped by service/wait staff
4. Stopping to chat with friends in high-traffic areas at stores, restaurants, banks, etc.
5. Waiting for a parking spot, therby clogging up an entire lane of traffic

I honestly don't feel that any of these needs any explanation on my part. Any dressed-up dog is completely ashamed and embarrassed. You can see it in its eyes. It's mortified and suicidal. Same with a leashed kid. That is, plain and simple, poor parenting on display. Or lazy parenting, at least. Disgusting. And if I were a waiter or cashier or teller in this Age Of Cellphones, I'd immediately stop whatever I was doing and wait for the rude customer to finish. And then tell her/him so. It's pathetic how cellphones have diminished the level of basic civility in our society. Now, as far as these mini-reunions that seem to spontaneously occur in the center of grocery aisles, crowded anterooms of restaurants, and lobbies of banks, these individuals need to remember that they are not the only people in the world, and that these are places of business. Certainly, it is pleasant and serendipitous to see a long-lost friend or unexpectedly encounter a distant cousin, but step aside and do your hugging out of the way! Some of us have things to do and do not wish to take all day to do them. Finally, when I--and others--go shopping, that does not include "for a parking spot." I am not afraid to walk for about 15 seconds to get to the door of the mercantile and commence my business. I am not about to sit in an active aisle of traffic and gum up the works because I see someone with a stroller who looks like she might be headed toward the red minivan that is parked conveniently close to the front door of the Target. Move your damn car, slide your fat ass out of the seat, and walk.

Oh, thank you.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Top 5 Things I Wouldn't Have Admitted to a Year Ago.

Everyone has things about himself or herself that he or she knows are true but don't necessarily want anyone else to know. Movies, likes, name it, we all have them. Here are my Top 5 Things I Never Would Have Admitted To A Year Ago.

1. My favorite movie is The Sound Of Music.
2. My favorite song is Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers.
3. I think that most female news anchors are sexy.
4. Sometimes, I pee sitting down.
5. I would rather have good wine than good beer.


The Sound of Music is an amazing film. If you don't like this film, I don't like you. Plain and simple. Julie Andrews is incredibly sexy in this film and there's something exciting about the way that she rallies those kids. Honestly, how is this any different than most sports movies? People facing adversity find inspiration from a somewhat unlikely source. They wind up stronger than they were to begin with and in the end, we all learn that you cannot fight being yourself. You have to embrace who you are and where you came from, regardless of what circumstances have caused you to become. Classic.

Unchained Melody is the single best song ever written. The hurt, the love, the passion. It's all so real and all so raw. Plus, it's awesome to sing. Try it. Also, we have all felt the way that those guys do at some point in our lives. If you haven't, get some therapy. Quickly. Because you, my lost-souled friend, are withdrawn and feeling-less. Just sayin'.

Women that know things are sexy. Plain and simple. And let's be real, perception is reality. If it looks like they know something, regardless of the teleprompter, they know it. And the best part? They knew it before me. If for no other reason than someone told them. If someone tells them something before they tell me, they knew it first. And they are teaching it to me. And they do so with vigor and with a well faked passion for what they are saying. Plus, some of them are just flat out gorgeous. Even better, 90% of them are on CNN. Christi Paul, Brooke Anderson, and ESPECIALLY Linda Stouffer. These women would be beautiful if it weren't for their news readings, but the fact that they say it like they mean it...that makes them sexy.

This is simple really. I am lazy. And sometimes, since I am a comfort junky, this is the best option. Especially in the AM. I'm groggy, tired, generally pissed off at being awake, and the last thing that I want to do is stand there when I could be sitting. Guys, don't act like you don't do this sometimes.

Good wine is one of the best things in life. There's so much there. Depth, body, taste, emotions and familiarity with the smells. A good wine can evoke some emotion. There is no beer I have ever had that does that. The closest thing? When I am at a bar and they have Killians on draught, I think of my father and our routine before Cavaliers games. That means a lot. But a good bottle of wine? That makes me think of family vacations, friends, and most importantly, the things that all of that means. Any time that a glass half full of something makes you think of all of those things, it's important. Plus, the idea of a glass being half full and able to satisfy me is something optimistic. And in today's world of cynicism and negativity, that's something special whether it's symbolic or not.



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