Thursday, January 21, 2010

Baby, It's Cold Outside, And I'm Just Getting Warmed Up By Dissing Winter

(Sigh. It seems I'm again on my own here at Stuff. Certain co-bloggers are not pulling their weight, and I can't let you down (all 5-6 of you), so I will press on and endeavour to bring you a post. AGAIN. Ahem.)

We here in NEO (NorthEastOhio; this is the Cleveland Plain Dealer's attempt at making this region of the country trendy and cool. Yeah. Right.) are in the throes of winter. Winter sucks. People who like winter mystify and annoy me. Probably they are severely mentally ill and need intense therapy, but that's not my place to judge. Here, though, are my

Top 7 Reasons I Detest And Abhor Winter

1. The cold
2. Snow
3. No gardening
4. Lack of sunshine
5. Cold car
6. I worry about my fish
7. Wardrobe boredom

Here's the part of the show where I entertain you with my explanations:

1. Although saying, "It's cold" seems patently obvious, I cannot explain to you how horrifying this state is to me. I literally suffer in the cold. Those readers who know me know that I am, in a word, little. The cold does go right through me no matter how much clothing I don. My hands are constantly cold and, no, I do not have Reynaud's Syndrome. There are times when I sit on the couch in fleece pants, fleece robe, heavy socks and my Slanket, and I am still cold. I cannot go out to eat in most restaurants without leaving my coat on because I am cold (are you hearing this, Cheesecake Factory?). If my home thermostat is not set to at least 72 degrees, I cannot function. Do not even begin to contemplate how the rest of my family--all tall, strapping men--deal with the Project That Is Me.

2. Snow is pointless and horrid. Large parts of the world get along just fine without it. It is inconvenient, dangerous, and a bitch to drive in. Additionally, it needs to be shovelled. Why is it necessary? It is not. Do not give me that dewy-eyed bullshit about "how pretty it is." How pretty is it when it turns to greyish-brown road snow or is piled up in parking lots and does not thaw until July? NOT VERY. How do you like cleaning it off of your car after a hard day at work? Do you think it lovely and scenic then? Hmmmmm....!

3. I love my herb and tomato garden. It does not thrive in winter. I cannot cultivate it in winter. Want fresh chives for my baked potato in January? Tough. Not gonna happen. Want fresh basil and tomato for a nice, impromptu bruschetta? Screw you. It's January.

4. So far this January, we in NEO have had TWO days of sunshine. This is normal. Winter = Grey Cloudy Days. I am positively suicidal in winter here. Unless I am braindead and amnesiac. Wait...are those the same thing? Not sure. What? Nlkle980389^(*#Ljkng*(*(. Sorry. Lost track of what me doing.

5. Nothing is worse than getting into an ice-cold car and waiting eleventy thousand minutes for it to warm up. My ride to work is about 3.5 minutes long. Which, normally, is great. Except in winter when that, in Freezing Time is equivalent to fourteen hours. And don't give me a lot of Sage Advice about "warming up the car first." That is a waste of gas. I abhor waste as much as I abhor winter. I know; I'm impossible. Part of my charm.

6. I have an outdoor pond. In it are my dear pet fish, one of which is almost ten years old. All of them have names and personalities (Hey! Don't judge.) and I care deeply for them. Every winter, I have to worry about the pond freezing over--which is bad--and I just don't like the idea of all of them (there are 5 now; we lost one mysteriously over the summer) out there in a state of suspended animation, waiting for spring. Even though they've done it for years and are fine, it still bothers me.

7. By the time the middle of February rolls around, I am so damn sick of bundling up in all my sweaters and fall/winter pants, having worn them since late September, that I just can't take it anymore. Mainly because I know I still have about a month and a half to go. That's the problem with winter in NEO--it is often seven freaking months long. I look at my clothes and think, "I hate all of you." And I do, even though I mix stuff up, use accessories and all that crap. After a while, it's like watching reruns of The Office every night: you love it, but you know it so well that you're tired of it.

So, as my students say, "Do you feel me?" Are you a Winter Hater, too? Pile on! What do you hate about winter?


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