Things That Threaten The Christmas Spirit

Every year, I think to myself that I'm going to DO Christmas. Like, really DO it. I'm not going to crabass around about traffic, snow, early advertising, whatever. And every year, there are things that let me down--despite my honest attempt at being good-natured about "The Holidays". Here they are this year:

1. There really isn't anything that I can say that I WANT.
2. I have finals to worry about before I can care about Christmas.
3. Disney's seemingly legitimate belief that Narnia: Prince Caspian really is the perfect Holiday gift.
4. The constant bashing over the head I will receive about how the troops don't get to see their families.
5. The 12 Days of Christmas.

Quickly, a comment about each.

I have good stuff already and aside from clothes, eh, don't know if I NEED anything either. More socks, more white undershirts (Hanes tagless, size M, crew neck). Finals suck. And are stressful. I rest my case. I refuse to watch Narnia. Ever. I don't care what happens, I am NOT watching that damn movie...any of them. Look, I sympathize with the families of troops and I feel it. But I feel like the other 364 days a year should also count towards the consideration that I give this issue. Plus, with bumper stickers, those damn ribbons, and people and rallies at school, I get it. Trust me. This is the worst Christmas song of all time. And that's saying something because Jingle Bell Rock is also heinous. Also, I hate almost all Christmas music.

Top Five Songs We Hate

For our first Entry, we're each going to put up a list. After that, the Entries will likely be staggered. Don't hold us to that, however; one of us is a bit more apt to post in a timely manner than the other. Ahem.

Without any further ado, here is my list of Top Five Songs I Hate, in no particular order:

1. Kokomo by The Beach Boys

2. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett

3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer by Dr. Elmo (??)

4. Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd

5. Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf

Just by way of general commentary--because I don't feel any of these needs an explanation for inclusion on this list--let me state that I expect major flak for #4 from all you leftover hippie stoners who are still glassy-eyed and coughing from the Seventies and yelling, "Hey, that's like, a Classic, dude!" and holding up the horned finger gesture for rock 'n roll. Shut up. It's a boring, overrated song sung in a nasally flat, tonally uninteresting manner. And #3 is the most retarded, rednecked bastardization of the Yuletide tradition I have ever heard. If I have heard one West Virginian-accented male voice hee-haw his way through a request for this little ditty on the radio, I have heard a thousand. Time to thin the herd. And that last one? Oh, please.

Jared's turn now.

All of those are solid. But here's the thing: I don't necessarily mind Free Bird. If it's on, I'll listen to it with no real objections. I may skip it half way through. Too long. Here's mine.

1. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard

2. Footloose by Kenny Loggins

3. Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond

4. Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meatloaf

5. Electric Blue by Icehouse

A quick comment on them individually. Sweet Caroline has been ruined for me by sporting events. When did this become a Jock Jam? More importantly, why? Also, what is it that Meatloaf won't do? I figure it must be pretty serious if he would do everything else. Does anyone have any idea what "It's all over you / Electric Blue" means? Me either. Dear Def Leppard, take a shower. Sincerely, This Guy. And Footloose is just stupid. It's too long and too upbeat. Nobody should be able to sustain that energy level for that long. That, and Kevin Bacon.