Thursday, April 30, 2009

Stuff For Your Sweet Tooth

Isn't it nice that the candy bar people got the idea of making miniature versions of their wares? Heretofore, if we had a hankering for a nibbly of chocolate, we had M&Ms and that was about it. I love mini foods in general, and mini candy bars in particular. And speaking of candy bars, here are my
Top 5 Go To Candy Bars
1. Hershey's With Almonds
2. Mallow Cups
3. York Peppermint Patty
4. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
5. Mars Bar

And these are pretty much in order, too.

1. If one is jonesing for a chocolate fix, there is no going wrong with a Hershey Bar. It's damn good quality chocolate for very little money. And the almonds keep the Hershey With Almonds from being boring, yet there aren't so many in it that it's annoying and a detraction from the chocolate (Snickers, take note!).

2. Mallow Cups. These are a Nostalgia Item for me. My brother Bobby used to save the cardboard coins from Mallow Cups and send them away to Boyer for a free box. All of us kids used to pitch in with our coins to hurry the process. Once the box arrived, he was always kind enough to share. Also, I am all about marshmallow. (Yes, even Peeps. Don't hate on the Peeps.)

3. The Peppermint Patty is absolutely terrific frozen. Try it. 'Nuff said.

4. Okay, first things first: IT IS PRONOUNCED "REESE'S" AS IN RHYMES WITH "PIECES." NOT "REE-SEES" AS IN RHYMES WITH "FECES." This is a fact. Geeze. I hate that. Moving on. If you do not appreciate and enjoy the peanut butter/chocolate combination, then I cannot reach/communicate with you on any level regarding confections. You are a sad person, and that makes me sad. I eat them by nibbling off the outer rim first. I highly recommend this method.

5. Do you know how tragic it is that you can no longer find a Mars Bar in the United States of America (which is my home country)? I have learned that in Scotland, they serve them covered in batter and deep-fried. I am having an episode as I think of this. Oh my.

I need to find a new candy bar to take over my #5 spot. What's your Go To Candy Bar? (I hope it's not Twix--I hate those.) Make me hungry in comments.

Saturday, April 25, 2009


Man, this stuff is just killer. I don't care who you are. There's no way to make any of this crap interesting.
Stuff That Bores The Hell Out Of Me

1. Looking At Pictures Of People I Don't Know
2. Taking A Shower
3. Poker On TV
4. Being Sick
5. Attending A Shower

Okay. At the risk of landing on your list, here's a rundown:

1. This happens to me constantly as a teacher. Kids come up to me with prom pictures, random family pictures, wedding pictures, amusement park pictures, you get the idea. I don't mind if I see a representative sample of say, six photos if they are in them. But you'd be amazed at the number of times I am forced to see entire albums of pictures of random relatives, babies of cousins, or extraneous chums whom I've never met and never will. Why on earth do I care? I. Don't.

2. This is horridly tedious. And strenuous. I prefer baths in which one can lie down luxuriously, take 45 minutes, read a book, have perhaps a candle or two alight, and relax. Showers seem to take forever, are a mundane routine that tire me, and are noisy.

3. Seriously, cards? And the players, in order to be any good, dare not show any emotion whatsoever. Some even wear dark or mirrored glasses. Many are extremely unattractive. There is no action. People hold and then lay down cards. Come. On.

4. I have now been unwell for several days. It sucks. It goes beyond suffering from intense malaise. People are trying very hard to help. They cannot. Sigh. I am getting tired of lying around, lacking energy, feeling crappy and uncomfortable. Blech.

5. Why do women persist in having these awful ordeals? No one likes them. No one. The games are stupid, the whole point for them is really blatantly mercenary and everyone knows it, so why not just send out a Request for a Gift? That's all they are. I understand that most New Brides and New Mommies really do need things. So just cut to the chase and stop making all of us feel doubly obligated: both to give up an afternoon and to buy a gift? Just send us a little card that tells us where you are registered and when you're due or getting married. I know I'd feel Let Off The Hook. Ladies, are you with me?

Sigh. Stifle a yawn and tell us what bores you.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Things That Will Undoubtedly Suck About Real Life

This sucks. I am soon--upon graduation from college--going to be forced to be a real adult. At the age of 24 I have successfuly (unsuccessfully?) avoided having to be too much of a grownup for quite some time. But this too shall pass.

Here is my list of

Things That Will Undoubtedly Suck About Real Life

1. Bills.
2. Obligations on weekends.
3. Nothing fun.
4. Having real problems.
5. The rest of it.

1. They suck. I sat there while my father wrote check after check and clicked button after button effectively doling out a large chunk of my parents' hard-earned money. I asked him in complete seriousness, "Peezer, how the fuck can you do this sober?" He just laughed and said, "Because I have to." One of the all-time parent answers for everything. "Because." Brutal.

2. Are you kidding me? This is how I'm going to have to spend my weekends? Grocery shopping and paying bills? Running errands and dealing with yardwork, kitchen cleaning, Jeff Lewis-ing the house to get it spotless for all the company that ISN'T COMING? I'll pass, thank you.

3. This one may not be entirely true. But you do have to deal with all of the other stuff I mentioned. How is it fun? Everytime you solve one problem, it's just a band-aid for the next problem that will show up and the subsequent and inevitable 25 that will follow. Pay the bills so that you can know how much money you have so you can then...go to the grocery store? What do we need while we are there? What's on sale? Do I have my card? Where's the checkbook? KNOCK IT OFF. And if you do manage to treat yourself to something fun, you have to deal with the aftermath of it. It's like I always say you have to work too hard to earn your fun time, and when it's over, you pay for it tenfold. Awful. Horrible.

4. My biggest problem most of the time is "do I have any homework?" When you're a real grownup you have to worry about money, your family, the security of your job, the security of your spouse's job. It's endless. A typical conversation, I think, would play out like this:

Innocent Bystander: Future Jared, what's the problem?
Future Jared: Fucking...all of it. Let's get loaded and bitch together. Deal?

5. This is self explanatory. Here is how the conversation that follows the above conversation will go:

Loaded Innocent Bystander: Well, what else is wrong?
Loaded Future Jared: Everything that I didn't already fucking say.

Real adults, assuage my fear and loathing of realadulthood. Either that, or take this time and space we provide here at Stuff to let me know what I should be worried about. Because folks, it's coming. Quickly. And it's like a tornado of fangs, claws, problems, and obligations. And it is unavoidable.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I Need To Be In Charge Of Selling Stuff

I'm not ashamed to admit it: I am a tireless advocate for bunnies. And apparently, as ridiculous as this may seem, I am the only one! For example, every Easter Season, I get all excited because I think "Finally! Now there will be some bunnies on tv!" and every year I am profoundly disappointed. What the hell is the matter with everyone in the advertising business?

Even the Cadbury people have abandoned bunnies. This is unacceptable. Bunnies, be they large or small, baby or full grown, lop-eared or antenna-eared, are always adorable. They are the perfect vehicle for selling a myriad of products. Here, then, is my list of

Stuff That Could Be Sold Using Bunnies

1. Fabric Softener
2. Vegetables
3. Pregnancy Tests
4. Athletic Shoes (esp. kids' shoes)
5. Earphones/Headphones
6. Hearing Aids
7. Garden Fertilizer
8. Bed Linens, esp. blankets

I'm not even going to explain these; they are obvious. I'm just going to pelt you with adorable bunny pictures instead to convince you to take up my cause. Get ready.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Hey, All You Elitists Out There!

I hope all of you are keeping score out there. Pretty soon this is going to be Stuff On My List.

Just sayin'.


Yesterday, I had a lovely snack of brie and apples after school, and it got me to thinking about how, if Some People heard about that, I'd be accused of Being A Snob. Well, that would be fine with me, but it would be silly. Like all that flap about Barack Obama and the Democratic Party being elitist. What a load of bullshit.

Anyway. Here's a list of So-Called

Snobby Stuff I Like

1. Brie
2. The Shaw Festival
3. Champagne
4. Nonfiction
5. NPR

How hilarious is this list? Oh, I could add more, but this is representative of the stuff I mention in conversation that gets me the sort of looks and comments that earn me the Snob label.

Brie? I get mine in the grocery store. Champagne is easily gotten at any retail outlet that sells wine and is available under so many labels that it's no big deal. And the "P" in NPR stand for Public, for heaven's sake. How is it snobby? The nonfiction thing is a puzzler, too. I guess people are befuddled by the fact that I am an English teacher, yet I don't choose to read "stories." I'm a student by nature--I love to learn things. I guess Jared said it best once when he said that when you're done reading a nonfiction book, it never really ends; you can continue to research the topic online or in other books and sources and keep finding more out about it. That's a big reason why I prefer nonfiction. Its stories never end. Finally, the Shaw Festival is a wonderful place to see terrific professional plays in excellent venues, and it's in Canada, one of my favorite vacation spots. I really enjoy live theater, and the Shaw produces dramas that happen to be written by some of my favorite playwrights.

Am I a snob? In some ways, yes, I'll admit I am. Do these things make me a snob? I don't think so. What snobby Stuff do you enjoy?


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