(Sigh. It seems I'm again on my own here at Stuff. Certain co-bloggers are not pulling their weight, and I can't let you down (all 5-6 of you), so I will press on and endeavour to bring you a post. AGAIN. Ahem.)
We here in NEO (NorthEastOhio; this is the Cleveland Plain Dealer's attempt at making this region of the country trendy and cool. Yeah. Right.) are in the throes of winter. Winter sucks. People who like winter mystify and annoy me. Probably they are severely mentally ill and need intense therapy, but that's not my place to judge. Here, though, are my
Top 7 Reasons I Detest And Abhor Winter
1. The cold
2. Snow
3. No gardening
4. Lack of sunshine
5. Cold car
6. I worry about my fish
7. Wardrobe boredom
Here's the part of the show where I entertain you with my explanations:
1. Although saying, "It's cold" seems patently obvious, I cannot explain to you how horrifying this state is to me. I literally suffer in the cold. Those readers who know me know that I am, in a word, little. The cold does go right through me no matter how much clothing I don. My hands are constantly cold and, no, I do not have Reynaud's Syndrome. There are times when I sit on the couch in fleece pants, fleece robe, heavy socks and my Slanket, and I am still cold. I cannot go out to eat in most restaurants without leaving my coat on because I am cold (are you hearing this, Cheesecake Factory?). If my home thermostat is not set to at least 72 degrees, I cannot function. Do not even begin to contemplate how the rest of my family--all tall, strapping men--deal with the Project That Is Me.
We here in NEO (NorthEastOhio; this is the Cleveland Plain Dealer's attempt at making this region of the country trendy and cool. Yeah. Right.) are in the throes of winter. Winter sucks. People who like winter mystify and annoy me. Probably they are severely mentally ill and need intense therapy, but that's not my place to judge. Here, though, are my
Top 7 Reasons I Detest And Abhor Winter
1. The cold
2. Snow
3. No gardening
4. Lack of sunshine
5. Cold car
6. I worry about my fish
7. Wardrobe boredom
Here's the part of the show where I entertain you with my explanations:
1. Although saying, "It's cold" seems patently obvious, I cannot explain to you how horrifying this state is to me. I literally suffer in the cold. Those readers who know me know that I am, in a word, little. The cold does go right through me no matter how much clothing I don. My hands are constantly cold and, no, I do not have Reynaud's Syndrome. There are times when I sit on the couch in fleece pants, fleece robe, heavy socks and my Slanket, and I am still cold. I cannot go out to eat in most restaurants without leaving my coat on because I am cold (are you hearing this, Cheesecake Factory?). If my home thermostat is not set to at least 72 degrees, I cannot function. Do not even begin to contemplate how the rest of my family--all tall, strapping men--deal with the Project That Is Me.
2. Snow is pointless and horrid. Large parts of the world get along just fine without it. It is inconvenient, dangerous, and a bitch to drive in. Additionally, it needs to be shovelled. Why is it necessary? It is not. Do not give me that dewy-eyed bullshit about "how pretty it is." How pretty is it when it turns to greyish-brown road snow or is piled up in parking lots and does not thaw until July? NOT VERY. How do you like cleaning it off of your car after a hard day at work? Do you think it lovely and scenic then? Hmmmmm....!
3. I love my herb and tomato garden. It does not thrive in winter. I cannot cultivate it in winter. Want fresh chives for my baked potato in January? Tough. Not gonna happen. Want fresh basil and tomato for a nice, impromptu bruschetta? Screw you. It's January.
4. So far this January, we in NEO have had TWO days of sunshine. This is normal. Winter = Grey Cloudy Days. I am positively suicidal in winter here. Unless I am braindead and amnesiac. Wait...are those the same thing? Not sure. What? Nlkle980389^(*#Ljkng*(*(. Sorry. Lost track of what me doing.
5. Nothing is worse than getting into an ice-cold car and waiting eleventy thousand minutes for it to warm up. My ride to work is about 3.5 minutes long. Which, normally, is great. Except in winter when that, in Freezing Time is equivalent to fourteen hours. And don't give me a lot of Sage Advice about "warming up the car first." That is a waste of gas. I abhor waste as much as I abhor winter. I know; I'm impossible. Part of my charm.
6. I have an outdoor pond. In it are my dear pet fish, one of which is almost ten years old. All of them have names and personalities (Hey! Don't judge.) and I care deeply for them. Every winter, I have to worry about the pond freezing over--which is bad--and I just don't like the idea of all of them (there are 5 now; we lost one mysteriously over the summer) out there in a state of suspended animation, waiting for spring. Even though they've done it for years and are fine, it still bothers me.
7. By the time the middle of February rolls around, I am so damn sick of bundling up in all my sweaters and fall/winter pants, having worn them since late September, that I just can't take it anymore. Mainly because I know I still have about a month and a half to go. That's the problem with winter in NEO--it is often seven freaking months long. I look at my clothes and think, "I hate all of you." And I do, even though I mix stuff up, use accessories and all that crap. After a while, it's like watching reruns of The Office every night: you love it, but you know it so well that you're tired of it.
So, as my students say, "Do you feel me?" Are you a Winter Hater, too? Pile on! What do you hate about winter?
8 comments:
Is it wrong to say that when you share your worst misery I laugh the hardest? Yeah, that might have warmed you up more. Sorry. You know you can't write like that and not have us laugh even if everything you wrote is true. I never understand how folks who hate winter so much end up living in spots that have extra months of winter. Are their Southern retirement plans in your future? I have to say that I think Virginia has just the right amount of each season, in general. Spring is usually too short though. And, I do get a bit whiny with too many hot days ... much more so than when it's winter. Two words. Wood stove. You need to have one to back up to or one to lie down beside in your Slanket perhaps. Even a tiny one would be a blessing for you. Anyway, sorry winter sucks and it's not over.
Shirley
It has been in the 50s almost every day this week, but you'd hate it here. It always feels like the temperature is somewhere between 40 and 65, which isn't freezing but is Never Really Warm. We have almost constant rain for a month or so during the winter, and we get a lot of intense fog during the summer.
You need to move to San Diego or something.
Mikey--But at least NO SNOW! I'd still be wearing my winter coat in that kind of weather, I'm not going to lie. I need to be in Phoenix, where they've been having a steady diet, pretty much, of 70 or so. But not Flagstaff--they got a ton of snow this winter. Sorry, Flagstaff (and Sedona, I think). You are crossed off the list.
Shirley--You know, Colorado gets a TON of sunshine, but I once went there on my birthday--in May--and I was greeted BY A SNOWSTORM. Forget that. And Virginia, which used to be on my List, is OFF. They get snow and ice. It gets cold there. I need higher temps, lower humidity, and NO SNOW EVER, PERIOD. My financial guy recommended Panama. AS IN THE ACTUAL PANAMA. Is he kidding me right now? Is he aware that is not in the USA? And that they do not speak English as a primary language there, or French? AND THAT IT IS TROPICAL? HUMID HUMID HUMID. I would have a nonstop string of Bad Hair Days. Sigh. No one is helping me.
I don't mind winter, from Thankgiving through New Year's Day. Then I'm done. I get most tired of all the grey. The cold I could deal with better if we had more sunshine. Second in line of my winter blues is the slush. The cutest shoes (that I own) don't work well in snow and slush and ice. Just the other day I was thinking about how much I miss my warm weather shoes...
Nina--Thanksgiving through New Year's Day? That is about a month and a half! NOT EVEN A THIRD OF WINTER HERE! Hate to break it to you, honey, but YOU MIND WINTER A LOT. 1. tired of the grey. 2. need more sunshine. 3. hate slush. 4. have to wear ugly shoes. 5. wish it lasted only 45 days.
you are with me more than you know. LOL.
It is not humanly possible for me to agree with you more about the terrible nasty disgusting vomitous horribleness that is winter. It is the exact reason I moved to southern California from Chicago more than 25 years ago. I like snow only in pictures and on Christmas card drawings. I do not like to drive on any type of frozen surface, or scrape said frozenness off my car. We complain of cold and "bundle up" if it gets below 55 degrees. That's my idea of "winter". As I mentioned one other time, the only appropriate place for ice is in a cocktail. Period.
I second the whole ugly shoe thing! I end up wearing waterproof boots all winter because I never know when I'll have to walk through a pile or snow/slush coming to/from work. I am I'm far to lazy to carry an extra pair of shoes with me to change once I get here. I also hate that rock salt residue seems to get EVERYWHERE! I'm tired of having pants with white stains at the bottom, no matter how much I try to avoid the icky water puddles that never dry. Screw winter.
Heather--Oh, do I ever hear you. But I slog the extra pair of shoes to change into because yes, I AM THAT INCREDIBLY VAIN ALL THE TIME. The salt marks get everywhere because heaven forbid you brush up against your car, or ANY FRIKKING CAR for any reason. AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Life--Let me tell you, I adore Chicago--everything about it EXCEPT ITS LOUSY WINTER WEATHER. I would live there in a heartbeat EXCEPT THAT IT HAS THE SAME WINTERS THAT WE DO HERE. So, forget you, Chicago, wonderful city that you are even though you contain everything I love in a future residence! YOU ARE OFF THE LIST BECAUSE OF YOUR LOUSY WEATHER. (Good job on your part, escaping as you did. But 55--too cold. I am looking at Phoenix now. Toasty, dry...NO SNOW. EVER. Think about it.)
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