The Top 5 Bottom 5: Merry Christmas And Stop It Immediately

Whew! So...that's over. Pretty much all the hardcore Christmas stuff is done with. All the diet and weightloss commercials have already replaced the food and booze commercials on tv and radio, and most retail outlets are done blasting us with Holiday Music.

Good, because now I'm sick of all of it.

But there are a few Christmas songs I always abhor. Are you with me? Let's find out. Here's my list of

5 Christmas Songs I Absolutely Hate

1. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

2. All I Want For Christmas Is You

3. Merry Christmas Darling

4. The Twelve Days Of Christmas

5. We Wish You A Merry Christmas

Oh, don't even tell me that these don't make your skin crawl. I've already talked about that first one; it's so godawful that it made my All-Time Worst Songs list, which was my first ever Stuff post. In it, I characterized #1 by saying it "is the most retarded, rednecked bastardization of the Yuletide tradition I have ever heard. If I have heard one West Virginian-accented male voice hee-haw his way through a request for this little ditty on the radio, I have heard a thousand. Time to thin the herd." #2, a song by Mariah Scarey, is hilariously described on Wikipedia as a song whose "protagonist declares that she does not care about Christmas presents or lights; all she wants for Christmas is to be with her lover." How sweet. And Mariah declares this in a shrill, hooting voice that makes us aware that not only did she supposedly train for opera, but she also belongs in a Memorex commercial. She is just horrifying in general anyway. #3 is a terribly soporific song brought to us by the originators of the Soft Rock Genre, the Carpenters. This awful, draggy, when-will-it-be-over song is so boring that it should be used to quell prison riots. I once had to sing it in choir in high school. We all detested it, and the only way we could make it remotely endurable was to enunciate one memorable piece of phrasing thusly: "...I wish you could see...I wiSHIT ev'ry day." The director begged us not to do it during the concert and was positively ashen with anxiety the night of performance. Finally, the last two are self-evident, I think, but since #4 has so many incarnations, someone obviously thinks it has redeeming value. To which I must respond, "Like What!?" It's dreadful in absolutely every respect. Even The Muppets can't save this atrocious carol. It's repetitious, annoying, and possibly worst of all, slightly mathy. Ugh. And #5 suffers similar maladies, minus the mathiness, but with the addition of plain old bossiness. What other holiday song contains a stern order to "bring figgy pudding right here!"? Moreover, those martinets threaten that they "won't go until they get some," which I'm pretty sure is squatting or unlawful habitation, both of which are illegal. Makes the title of that song pretty ironic now, doesn't it? Wow.
But, all that's over now, and we are spared for another year. Bring on the Groundhog Hymns.

Out With The Olde And In With The New: Jazz Things Up With More Modern Christmas Songs

For some, Christmas is all about tradition, right down to the songs. I used to be that way, but as I got older, I started to get downright sick of all the Same Old Christmas Carols. It really hit home when my brother-in-law Tom started singing It Came Upon A Midnight Clear to the tune of O Little Town Of Bethlehem and it fit! (Try it. Seriously.) So many Christmas carols are boring and repetitive. They get annoying, let's face it.

Add to that the fact that my husband is sort of a Christmas Curmudgeon. It was time to shake things up and embrace some new Christmas Music. (Thank goodness for Trans-Siberian Orchestra!) I did, and here is a sampling of

New Christmas Songs I Like

1. Wizards in Winter by Trans-Siberian Orchestra
2. Happy Christmas by John Lennon
3. The Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack
4. Old City Bar by Trans-Siberian Orchestra
5. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

6. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen by Mannheim Steamroller

I know. It seems like I'm a little stuck on God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen, but in actuality, I'm not. Fascinated by the grammar possibilities presented by the comma placement, yes, but beyond that, I like when someone jazzes up a stodgy old song. And, truly...anything done by TSO for Christmas is excellent. If you listen to their entire CD of Christmas Eve and Other Stories, it follows a very captivating narrative. Rick, Jared, Sam, and I really enjoy going to see them when their tour comes to Cleveland. And although Charlie Brown has been around for years and years, most people don't put those tunes in the canon of Christmas carols. Especially that catchy instrumental called Linus and Lucy that plays when all the kids are dancing at rehearsal.

Next post: Christmas Songs We Hate. (You know they're out there.)

On The First Day Of Christmas, My True Love Gave To Me...Hey! What Was Up With All The Birds, Anyway? There's A Guy Who Needed Some Therapy.

'Tis The Season. Christmas music is everywhere, and you cannot escape it. Some retail outlets have been playing it since November 1st. At my house the rule is No Christmas music until December 1st. I'm kind of a Traditionalist like that.

And some people are Traditionalists about their Christmas music. They like the Old Stuff. No jazzed-up versions, no new soft-rock songs from pop stars to break into their pantheon of standards. Some people, however, are more eclectic; they eagerly add to their collections of Christmas music and embrace the New Stuff.

Let's take a look at both kinds, shall we? In this post, I'll give you a list of

Classic Christmas Songs I Like

1. Do You Hear What I Hear
2. Carol of the Bells
3. The Little Drummer Boy
4. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
5. Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy from The Nutcracker
6. In the Bleak Midwinter
7. O Come O Come Emmanuel

Some of these I like because I used to sing them in choir or, even longer ago, in church. I can still remember the rising crescendo and harmony of Do You Hear What I Hear when we sang it in high school. It always made me cry just a little. And the lyrics of In the Bleak Midwinter are so lovely. I like the James Taylor version; his voice is so comfortable, like this old pair of bluejeans I used to wear of Rick's that were already broken-in and soft. When James Taylor gets to the last verse, I am already misty and thoughtful. And even though the lyrics of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas are full of rose-colored lies, I can't help myself. Sometimes, I think a few moody, haunting Christmas songs need to be tossed into the mix, and that's where O Come O Come Emmanuel fits in. It's got a great lilting depth to it and some really sad, scary lines in there that remind everyone that not everything about the whole Christian thing is all holly berries and eggnog.

Now it's your turn in Comments. What Christmas Classics do you favor?

Next post: New Christmas Carols I Like

Top 5 Things I Wouldn't Have Admitted to a Year Ago.

Everyone has things about himself or herself that he or she knows are true but don't necessarily want anyone else to know. Movies, likes, dislikes...you name it, we all have them. Here are my Top 5 Things I Never Would Have Admitted To A Year Ago.

1. My favorite movie is The Sound Of Music.
2. My favorite song is Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers.
3. I think that most female news anchors are sexy.
4. Sometimes, I pee sitting down.
5. I would rather have good wine than good beer.

Explanation:

The Sound of Music is an amazing film. If you don't like this film, I don't like you. Plain and simple. Julie Andrews is incredibly sexy in this film and there's something exciting about the way that she rallies those kids. Honestly, how is this any different than most sports movies? People facing adversity find inspiration from a somewhat unlikely source. They wind up stronger than they were to begin with and in the end, we all learn that you cannot fight being yourself. You have to embrace who you are and where you came from, regardless of what circumstances have caused you to become. Classic.

Unchained Melody is the single best song ever written. The hurt, the love, the passion. It's all so real and all so raw. Plus, it's awesome to sing. Try it. Also, we have all felt the way that those guys do at some point in our lives. If you haven't, get some therapy. Quickly. Because you, my lost-souled friend, are withdrawn and feeling-less. Just sayin'.

Women that know things are sexy. Plain and simple. And let's be real, perception is reality. If it looks like they know something, regardless of the teleprompter, they know it. And the best part? They knew it before me. If for no other reason than someone told them. If someone tells them something before they tell me, they knew it first. And they are teaching it to me. And they do so with vigor and with a well faked passion for what they are saying. Plus, some of them are just flat out gorgeous. Even better, 90% of them are on CNN. Christi Paul, Brooke Anderson, and ESPECIALLY Linda Stouffer. These women would be beautiful if it weren't for their news readings, but the fact that they say it like they mean it...that makes them sexy.

This is simple really. I am lazy. And sometimes, since I am a comfort junky, this is the best option. Especially in the AM. I'm groggy, tired, generally pissed off at being awake, and the last thing that I want to do is stand there when I could be sitting. Guys, don't act like you don't do this sometimes.

Good wine is one of the best things in life. There's so much there. Depth, body, taste, emotions and familiarity with the smells. A good wine can evoke some emotion. There is no beer I have ever had that does that. The closest thing? When I am at a bar and they have Killians on draught, I think of my father and our routine before Cavaliers games. That means a lot. But a good bottle of wine? That makes me think of family vacations, friends, and most importantly, the things that all of that means. Any time that a glass half full of something makes you think of all of those things, it's important. Plus, the idea of a glass being half full and able to satisfy me is something optimistic. And in today's world of cynicism and negativity, that's something special whether it's symbolic or not.

--JPD

Top 5 Songs of Myself

Everyone has them. Everyone has a song or two that are songs of themselves. A song that you only play when you're flying solo. The shower, the car, at home alone, the dorm room while your roomie is at the library. The reason you only play them when you're alone? Because you know that you cannot stop yourself from singing them. That, and it's embarassing that you enjoy them. Ladies and gents, without further ado, my

Top 5 Songs of Myself:

1. Father Figure - by George Michael
2. Reasons - by Earth Wind and Fire
3. Before He Cheats - by Carrie Underwood
4. Bye Bye Bye - by NSYNC
5. Anything from the Grease soundtrack.

Rationale:

1. It's a really singable song. And near the end, GM gives you a chance to really belt it out and set your shower on fire with your wailings, melting the grout and causing tiles to fall from the inside of the shower walls as your voice bellows with raw sexuality and passion. Don't judge.

2. Act like I can't hit that high note. I recently caught myself doing so as though the Lady Friend was NOT seated next to me. This was awful. For me. There is no doubt, however, that she was impressed...or was it horrified? Either way, this is a great song and I owe my father big time for adding it to my repertoire of dorm room cleaning music.

3. Let's get one thing straight: Carrie Underwood is gorgeous. Also, pretty well talented. There's just something about the agression involved in that song that I really like. Everyone has wanted to do that do someone's car. (Right? Or am I nuts?) Can I sing it? God no. Do I sing it? Hell yes. But only when I am by myself.

4. I refuse to elaborate. All I will say is that I dare you to listen to it twice without singing it or doing the motion they do in the video. And don't act like you don't know the motion I am talking about.

5. Grease was the best thing that happened to me the summer before my freshman year of high school. My buddy's sister got the VHS for her birthday; we watched it once with her, then stole it. It was ours and we could not be stopped. We watched it usually once or twice a day, every day, for three months solid. I know all of the words to all of the songs. The best one, however...Summer Lovin'.

Tell me more, tell me more. What are your Songs of Myself?

Top Five Songs We Hate

For our first Entry, we're each going to put up a list. After that, the Entries will likely be staggered. Don't hold us to that, however; one of us is a bit more apt to post in a timely manner than the other. Ahem.

Without any further ado, here is my list of Top Five Songs I Hate, in no particular order:

1. Kokomo by The Beach Boys

2. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett

3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer by Dr. Elmo (??)

4. Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd

5. Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf

Just by way of general commentary--because I don't feel any of these needs an explanation for inclusion on this list--let me state that I expect major flak for #4 from all you leftover hippie stoners who are still glassy-eyed and coughing from the Seventies and yelling, "Hey, that's like, a Classic, dude!" and holding up the horned finger gesture for rock 'n roll. Shut up. It's a boring, overrated song sung in a nasally flat, tonally uninteresting manner. And #3 is the most retarded, rednecked bastardization of the Yuletide tradition I have ever heard. If I have heard one West Virginian-accented male voice hee-haw his way through a request for this little ditty on the radio, I have heard a thousand. Time to thin the herd. And that last one? Oh, please.

Jared's turn now.

All of those are solid. But here's the thing: I don't necessarily mind Free Bird. If it's on, I'll listen to it with no real objections. I may skip it half way through. Too long. Here's mine.

1. Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leppard

2. Footloose by Kenny Loggins

3. Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond

4. Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meatloaf

5. Electric Blue by Icehouse

A quick comment on them individually. Sweet Caroline has been ruined for me by sporting events. When did this become a Jock Jam? More importantly, why? Also, what is it that Meatloaf won't do? I figure it must be pretty serious if he would do everything else. Does anyone have any idea what "It's all over you / Electric Blue" means? Me either. Dear Def Leppard, take a shower. Sincerely, This Guy. And Footloose is just stupid. It's too long and too upbeat. Nobody should be able to sustain that energy level for that long. That, and Kevin Bacon.