I Have Seen The Enemy And The Enemy Is...Delicious

Sometimes, the thought of an entire meal overwhelms me. I'd rather just snack, or graze, as some people call it. Often, though, this turns into the sad and horrifying spectacle of me shovelling mass quantities of the snacky food into my gaping maw. What is it about some foods that just make us completely lose control? Here are my own personal

5 Dangerous Food Nemeses

1. Lays Original Potato Chips
2. Fresh Guacamole
3. French Fries
4. Garlic Bread
5. Shrimp Cocktail

Okay. The simple act of looking at the nouns listed above is driving me nuts right now. But for you, I will endure.

1. I have written about my unseemly adoration for Lays Original Potato Chips ad nauseum at my other place. I have been known to hide my Grownup Card and have only the Foldy Chips from an entire bag for dinner if I can't think of anything else that sounds good. I once made my husband hide the chips from me when I couldn't trust myself around them anymore. I hope the staff treat me kindly at The Home when I get there.

2. Last summer I discovered the ease of making fresh guacamole in a bigass Ziploc bag and let's just say that the Ziploc bag was not the only bigass thing until I got my addiction under control. But holy crap, I love that stuff! Do you know that for over 45 years, I had never tasted an avocado, let alone guacamole? I blame my mother for this, and I lived in a part of Ohio that had a significant Mexican population. When avocados go on sale, I get unnaturally excited. Just thinking about it makes me tear up. And store-bought guac sucks. Period.

3. First, let's agree to some basic terminology: those things at McDonald's are not French Fries. Not even close. Wendy's fries, yes. Burger King? I have no effing idea what those fakey things are, but French Fries they are not. They taste like generic, off-brand Pringle's. I love hand-cut, real-deal fries with both vinegar and ketchup, and don't be stingy with the salt, either. If you're an Ohio or Michigan reader, think Cedar Point's Berardi's fries. But, failing those, even good old Ore-Ida fries, deep-fried (don't bake your fries, come on!) and golden with the aforementioned condiments will see me through my jones.

4. More than once during my pregnancies, I made entire meals of garlic bread. I love good bread. When Rick and I plan a trip to Cleveland's West Side Market, we always make sure we go well before 10 AM, or all the bakeries are sold out of their gorgeous artisanal breads: asiago, rosemary garlic, kalamata olive, pepperoni, challah, and before they stopped making it, an astonishing chocolate cherry. If there is garlic bread served with a meal, though--warm, chewy, fragrant and buttery--look out. Forget the pasta for me. I'm parking next to the breadbasket and smacking the paws of anyone else who ventures a grab.

5. When I was little, my dad used to bring home the little teensy frozen glasses of individual shrimp cocktails. They were 99% sauce with about 5 miniscule shrimp in each one. I thought it was the most wonderful stuff in the world. I still love shrimp cocktail, and I'm forever just blown away that the shrimp are so much bigger and so much better. As a result, whenever cocktail shrimp appear, I act like it may very well be the last time in my entire life. But really--isn't shrimp cocktail terrific?

How about you, Stuff readers? What little snacky or grazing foods make you lose all control?

This Year I Am Thankful For Myth Busting

Thanksgiving is here. I love the turkey, the potatoes, the dressing, the wine. More importantly...THE GRAVY! I fucking love gravy. However, there are a few people propagating a few egregious Thanksgiving patterns and I am DONE letting them off the hook.

I will now dispel five Thanksgiving Myths. They are in order of their egregious ridiculousness.

5 Thanksgiving Myths That Need To Be Stuffed

1. It is not Christmas.

2. It is not Turkey Day.

3. There is no such thing as Cranberry Sauce.

4. Dressing --V-- Stuffing

5. Black Friday

1. Be prepared for this. I have always defined Christmas the way it was defined for me by my family, the calendar, and other things such as...logic. That definition? December 25th. Call me insane. I know, this is a radical approach to The Giving Of Thanks, but it is one that is tried and true. I like to have my holidays in order and clearly defined by the dates, or "set times that they are supposed to happen." Starting Christmas the way retailers and lunatic shoppers do in November, or even (gasp) October is like making a date for a Friday night and showing up on Monday to wait for her to get ready. See? It's silly, isn't it?

2. We have a name for the Holiday that occurs on the last Thursday in November. It is "Thanksgiving." Why this insistence on calling it Turkey Day? It sounds stupid. It sounds juvenile, and most importantly, it detracts from what the Holiday actually is. It is not a celebration of Turkey. Trust me, I looked. It is a celebration of the things for which we are thankful. Come on, people. Look at a calendar. If your calendar denotes this day as "Turkey Day," do nothing. Leave it hanging. Why? Because something so juvenile and obnoxiously cutesy has likely fallen into your possession as a gift from a child who handmade it in kindergarten.

3. Sauce = A liquid one pours onto one's food as a condiment. If your cranberry side of choice is a liquid, someone owes you some actual pieces of cranberry. Also, if it can be poured the same way you pour gravy (as this is how one would pour "sauce"), it has probably gone rancid and should not be consumed. Throw it away. Relish? Yep. Jelly? OK. Hell, if you like the gelatinous cranberry side, throw it in a creative and festive mold! You're welcome. You can use that.

4. Stuffing goes inside the turkey. Dressing goes alongside it. In a separate pan, even. Unless you are using "stuffing" a verb. "Man, this bread-based side dish is STUFFING me so full!" See? It is DOING the stuffing in this case and that is fine. You are saying it is filling. I can get with that. But to say that your chef has "made a pan of stuffing" is ridiculous. Make sense? Excellent. Moving on.

5. Why are we calling it this? Seriously. Black Tuesday was an AWFUL DAY in American history. And while yes, the Friday after Thanksgiving can be awful for many reasons, this is not the lineage of its nomenclature. Retailers began calling it that because it was the day they could get their books back into "the black" meaning positive numbers. Have you ever seen a retail report that details such things? If you are in the positive, the numbers are green. This is also the color of money. Furthermore, it can be the color of zombies, which is what most males turn into after 40 pounds of Thanksgiving gluttony clogs their arteries. It is also the color I used to turn when girlfriends would ask me to accompany them and their mothers on 4AM shopping trips. I feel like Green Friday works much better.

I hope I have not turned you totally on your ear or offended your Holiday Verbiage. But really, guys, I could no longer sit idly by and allow my sense of logic to be assaulted my these gross Thanksgiving travesties any longer.

What about you? What do you call it? Do you do holidays one at a time? What bothers you about these sorts of things? Do share.

Christmas Stalking, Or Slow Down And Count Your Blessings, Turkeys!

Oh, I know how cliche it is to get all steamed up about how the stores put out their Christmas decorations on the fifth of July and how incredibly commercial it all is anymore, but this isn't about that. This is about how Thanksgiving has been shunted to the Off-Ramp Of Holidays all of a sudden. Relegated to the Minor Leagues along with Earth Day and Arbor Day. It's insane. People do more about stupid Halloween than they do about Thanksgiving, and I'm plenty irritated. So vexed, in fact, that it's High Time we got Downright Thankful about Thanksgiving. Here are a few

Reasons To Be Jazzed About Thanksgiving

1. Turkey Gravy

2. No Gifts

3. Side Dishes

4. Stuffing/Dressing

5. Rolls

6. Cranberry Sauce

7. Sanctioned Slothfulness and Gluttony

Like I even have to explain these! Everyone knows that most food exists only to serve as a conveyance for gravy, which is, quite possibly, the most comforting foodstuff ever. And the King Of That Realm is Turkey Gravy. Sad are those whose cook cannot make a decent turkey gravy. For me, that is the single best thing about the meal, and I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. Just give me a bowl of turkey gravy and perhaps a piece of toast and I am in bliss.... Okay. Wait...I had An Episode just then. Okay.

The second best thing about Thanksgiving is that there is no bigass Gift Exchange. NO SHOPPING FOR PRESENTS. How wonderful. How liberating. One can simply enjoy the pleasure of the company of others for A. MEAL. Totally not mercenary. No frantic mall-running. No online retail hellraising. No last-minute shelf-raiding. It's heavenly.

I can make my entire Thanksgiving meal out of the side dishes alone. For me, the turkey is tertiary. I make one, of course, but it's purely ritual. I live for everything else. The Brussels sprouts, the mashed potatoes, the sweet potatoes, and, of course, the...

Dressing! Or, you can call it Stuffing if you actually cook yours inside the turkey. I don't. Thanksgiving is about the only time I make it, so I make approximately eleventy pounds of it. (Or is it cubic feet? I forget. In any case, I make a lot.) We then eat it for the next several days pretty much on the hour, every hour. Cold, warm, whatever. Isn't it incredible that you can make something so orgasmic from just some bread and eggs and...stuff? Unbelievable.

Speaking of bread, I love it, but nothing compares to having rolls with dinner at Thanksgiving. Oh, sure, I know you can have them anytime, but we don't, and even if we did, it would not be the same. I get those tiny little puffy square potato rolls, and it's embarrassing how we attack them. Sad, really, but do you know how good they are?

And cranberry sauce! My mother never had this, not even the canned junk, (not that I would have eaten that), but once I found out how easy it was to make the real stuff and how good it was, I couldn't believe it. I do make this every now and again as an accompaniment to pork or roast chicken, but do try to save it for Thanksgiving. And cranberries last forever in the freezer. What a deal!

Finally, Thanksgiving is such a no-guilt holiday for everyone, unlike Christmas. What other day can you simply eat yourself into oblivion, lie around like Henry VIII, and be totally okay about it? Oh sure, if you're the cook, you have the dinner to do, that's true. But I cook for my three men only--made sure of that a long time ago. It's a very relaxed affair, and we all enjoy the day hanging out, eating, spending time together, watching football and the dog show, and just taking it easy. When I require their services, they jump in. Very low-impact, high reward for everyone.

O Thanksgiving! So many holidays could take a Lesson from you! Good food, good company, good feeling, and good times. The Stuff that dreams are made of. (Who needs all that "visions of sugarplums" nonsense?)

No, I Didn't Always Listen To My Mother, But When It Came To This, I Did: Stuff That's Good For Me

The old cliche is, of course, that kids hate to eat their vegetables. I was never That Kid. I loved--and still do love--vegetables. I am a fan of The Vegetable. As a matter of fact, I cannot think of a single vegetable that I will not eat. (Oh sure, if it's just a damned bad representation of it, like those horrid grey mushy canned peas instead of what Peas Should Be--round, green orbs of Springtime-- then yes, I suppose you can argue that there is, in fact a vegetable that I will not eat. But then you would be Really Annoying, so stop it.)

I do, however, have some favorites. In no particular order, here are my

Top 7 Vegetables

1. Asparagus

2. Corn (on the Cob)

3. Broccoli

4. Squash

5. Pea pods/Sugar Snap Peas

6. Mushrooms

7. Garden Tomatoes

Right away, I know I'm going to hear about at least two of these because Asparagus and Broccoli are in the "Love Them/Hate Them" category. No one is tepid about those two vegetables. And I am completely smitten with them both. Nothing is better than fresh Asparagus drizzled with terrific olive oil, sprinkled with sea salt and cracked black pepper, and grilled. We have it all summer long. Broccoli? I can eat it every day, and I don't need to drape some distracting cheese sauce over it, either. Feh.

Squash might be another iffy proposition. I hate to see summer end, but autumn is worth it mainly for two things here in Ohio, apple season and squash season. Screw the pretty trees. Big effing deal. Bring on the cider and the squash. Makes it almost okay that Tomatoes and Sweet Corn are done with. Was there anything more delightful than wandering out to your garden, picking a sun-warmed Tomato, taking it inside and slicing it thick onto a sandwich? Or just biting into it right then and there in your little spot of earth? And Corn on the Cob--normally, I don't like to (A) eat with my face directly in my food, or (B) have to work that hard at it, but Corn on the Cob makes it okay and worth it. Why isn't corn OFF the cob the same? Still good, but not quite as good.

Regular Peas are good, but I am all about those Sugar Snap Peas in their little briefcases. Raw, especially. They're addictive. I grab a bag of those and it's fifty-fifty as to whether any will make it to dinner. And Pea Pods are the first things I fish out of my Chinese vegetables when we get carryout. They're incredible. (And sometimes, they squeak companionably when you bite them.) Finally, probably Mushrooms are an odd item to include, I know. It's not like they're something that gets scooped onto a plate like a mound of peas or corn, but I love them. I find it one of the great Tragedies Of Food that they are rather pricey. And I am mystified by that fact. After all, those things grow overnight. In the dark. How hard can it be, you know?

So, Stuff readers, what about your faves?

Stuff We Stuff Ourselves With Even When We're Stuffed!

Let's talk desserts, shall we? I mean restaurant desserts, not the stuff you eat or make at home, like brownies or a bowl of Cool Whip with Hershey's syrup and salted mixed nuts...what? Oh, like you've never plopped that crap in a bowl in a pinch or in a fit of PMS.

WHAT!?

Anyway, every once in a while, I am able to get dessert in a restaurant or talk my husband or huge sons into finishing whatever I have a taste for. Here then are my

Favorite Restaurant Desserts

1. Creme Brulee

2. Chocolate Mousse

3. Pavlova

That's it. I'm not kidding. I am not a fan of cheesecake--too heavy, and I hate those molten lava chocolate puddingy things that are really just underbaked chocolate cakes with runny middles. What I love these days is the fact that many restaurants have mastered the teeny tiny dulces, the itsy bitsy demitasse creme brulees in all kinds of fantastic flavors that are no more than about 3 bites, which is perfect for me. I absolutely adore creme brulees, and two of the best I've ever had are 1) at the Ritz in Washington D.C. where Monica Lewinsky met Linda Tripp and spilled her horrid, traitorous guts; that one was an orange spice tea brulee that brought me to simultaneous tears and orgasm. I am not lying. 2) lavender vanilla creme brulee at some restaurant in Colorado, I think...perhaps called "Strings." Oh dear heaven.

Now the chocolate mousse is a really old-fashioned dessert, but I don't care. It's light, it has a great flavor and, when it's done correctly, it has a wonderful mouth feel. One of the best I ever had was on my Alaska cruise. Lovely.

Pavlovas are just crunchy bigass meringues with fruit or chocolate and whipped cream. I love them and hardly ever get them. No one at the Dept./Stuff cares for them, and I hate wasting the egg yolks. Restaurants will do little individuals, and I had a lovely one of tropical fruits on the aforementioned cruise.

What are your favorite restaurant desserts? Or...which ones am I forgetting?

Food, Glorious Food--Okay, Maybe Not "Glorious"

You eat it. You just won't admit it. But I will. Here are my

5 Embarrassing Foods That I Eat

1. Circus Peanuts

2. Spam

3. Liver

4. Lima Beans

5. Marshmallow Fluff

Oh shut up. Like you don't eat some of them, too.

First of all, circus peanuts are stupid, I'll admit it. Why are they orange? What is so circusy about oversized, flat-bottomed, compressed cotton-candyish marshmallow? And why aren't they peanut flavored? I don't get it either, but they taste amazing.

And if Spam is so horrifying, then why is it so incredibly popular in Hawaii? No, it does not get its name from "spamster," a genetically engineered animal specially created with no bones or hair just for its meat by the Hormel company. It is an amalgam of "spiced ham," which is what this product is. I love it cold or warmed. With these Tough Economic Times, Spam is now making a comeback. For me, it never really left. For all you Health Nuts, you can buy low fat and low sodium incarnations. I like my Spam Hi-Test.

Even grownups shudder and grimace like toddlers when I have cause to admit my love of liver. How sad. Even sadder is the fact that I can't ever have it. My family is Not On Board With Liver. No restaurants offer it on their menus because of The Vast Conspiracy Against It. My mother used to make liver almost every Monday night, sauteed in onions, and served with...

Lima beans! I am an unabashed Lima bean lover. I buy the huge Fordhook variety and, quite simply, cook the shit out of them until they are as soft and mushy as mashed potatoes. Then I put salt and a lot of black pepper and approximately eleventy pounds of real butter on them and...excuse me. I need a moment.... Sigh. Some days, I make a whole brick of Limas for my dinner. I do not share. (I never have to. Limas are another thing that No One Is On Board With. I used to pay Sam a Lima Bean Nickel at dinner for trying one. Some nights, I'd find it under the table. The bean, not the nickel.)

Finally, I eat marshmallow fluff from the jar. By itself. Don't try and stop me. You'll only get hurt.

Come on. 'Fess up. We won't tell (anyone but the Interwebs, that is). What are your food foibles?

Stuff For Your Sweet Tooth

Isn't it nice that the candy bar people got the idea of making miniature versions of their wares? Heretofore, if we had a hankering for a nibbly of chocolate, we had M&Ms and that was about it. I love mini foods in general, and mini candy bars in particular. And speaking of candy bars, here are my

Top 5 Go To Candy Bars

1. Hershey's With Almonds

2. Mallow Cups

3. York Peppermint Patty

4. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

5. Mars Bar

And these are pretty much in order, too.

1. If one is jonesing for a chocolate fix, there is no going wrong with a Hershey Bar. It's damn good quality chocolate for very little money. And the almonds keep the Hershey With Almonds from being boring, yet there aren't so many in it that it's annoying and a detraction from the chocolate (Snickers, take note!).

2. Mallow Cups. These are a Nostalgia Item for me. My brother Bobby used to save the cardboard coins from Mallow Cups and send them away to Boyer for a free box. All of us kids used to pitch in with our coins to hurry the process. Once the box arrived, he was always kind enough to share. Also, I am all about marshmallow. (Yes, even Peeps. Don't hate on the Peeps.)

3. The Peppermint Patty is absolutely terrific frozen. Try it. 'Nuff said.

4. Okay, first things first: IT IS PRONOUNCED "REESE'S" AS IN RHYMES WITH "PIECES." NOT "REE-SEES" AS IN RHYMES WITH "FECES." This is a fact. Geeze. I hate that. Moving on. If you do not appreciate and enjoy the peanut butter/chocolate combination, then I cannot reach/communicate with you on any level regarding confections. You are a sad person, and that makes me sad. I eat them by nibbling off the outer rim first. I highly recommend this method.

5. Do you know how tragic it is that you can no longer find a Mars Bar in the United States of America (which is my home country)? I have learned that in Scotland, they serve them covered in batter and deep-fried. I am having an episode as I think of this. Oh my.

I need to find a new candy bar to take over my #5 spot. What's your Go To Candy Bar? (I hope it's not Twix--I hate those.) Make me hungry in comments.

Hey, All You Elitists Out There!

I hope all of you are keeping score out there. Pretty soon this is going to be Stuff On My List.

Just sayin'.

Onward.

Yesterday, I had a lovely snack of brie and apples after school, and it got me to thinking about how, if Some People heard about that, I'd be accused of Being A Snob. Well, that would be fine with me, but it would be silly. Like all that flap about Barack Obama and the Democratic Party being elitist. What a load of bullshit.

Anyway. Here's a list of So-Called

Snobby Stuff I Like

1. Brie
2. The Shaw Festival

3. Champagne
4. Nonfiction
5. NPR

How hilarious is this list? Oh, I could add more, but this is representative of the stuff I mention in conversation that gets me the sort of looks and comments that earn me the Snob label.

Brie? I get mine in the grocery store. Champagne is easily gotten at any retail outlet that sells wine and is available under so many labels that it's no big deal. And the "P" in NPR stand for Public, for heaven's sake. How is it snobby? The nonfiction thing is a puzzler, too. I guess people are befuddled by the fact that I am an English teacher, yet I don't choose to read "stories." I'm a student by nature--I love to learn things. I guess Jared said it best once when he said that when you're done reading a nonfiction book, it never really ends; you can continue to research the topic online or in other books and sources and keep finding more out about it. That's a big reason why I prefer nonfiction. Its stories never end. Finally, the Shaw Festival is a wonderful place to see terrific professional plays in excellent venues, and it's in Canada, one of my favorite vacation spots. I really enjoy live theater, and the Shaw produces dramas that happen to be written by some of my favorite playwrights.

Am I a snob? In some ways, yes, I'll admit I am. Do these things make me a snob? I don't think so. What snobby Stuff do you enjoy?

5 Things I'm Just Not That Into

Generally, as I've gotten older, I've gotten a little more tolerant in many areas. But I have to admit that in some things, I've become pretty set in my ways. I do realize that there are some of my tastes that make my life a bit onerous, and try as I might, I just cannot change my ways. Here then is my list of
Stuff I Wish I Liked

1. Popcorn
2. Contemporary Fiction
3. Winter
4. Musicals
5. Olive Garden restaurant

These are in no particular order, by the way, and none of them have really ruined my life. But honestly, actively disliking each one has made an impact. For example, popcorn is a healthy, low-calorie snack that is also (unless you buy it at the theater) really cheap. In college, everyone had an air-popper--then a newfangled contraption--and the dorm halls reeked of the stuff. I don't like it. And, it simply wrecks my guts. Period. Every now and again, I crave caramel corn, eat an entire bag of it, and suffer major consequences. But plain popcorn could have been a go-to snack for me when I was overweight for the first 30 years of my life and sadly, I couldn't go to it.

Those of you who read me over at the Dept. know that I cannot read much new fiction. I teach creative writing (i.e. how to write fiction) so reading it is like work for me. I am constantly seeing the formulas at work--oh, there's exposition; what a neat way to characterize; why isn't there any setting to establish mood here? etc.--and it is rare that I can stop this. I know I'm missing good work out there, but honestly, few contemporary authors can really provide the depth that many of the classical Victorian writers or American masters gave us. I seriously believe this.

Holy crap. I am able to write this post right now because I am on Snow Day Two here in NE Ohio, where I awoke to temperatures of ten below zero with Arctic wind chills. When I went outdoors yesterday to go visit an ailing aunt, I could feel my bones under my skin. I. am. not. kidding. This is brutal. When the winter months kick in here in NE Ohio (starting in November and not ending until late April and I am totally serious), I am, for all intents and purposes, housebound. The cold is painful for me. I cannot take it. Why must we have it? Other regions do just fine without it. Someone save me.

You know, I went to Toronto to see The Phantom of the Opera at the Pantages Theatre--totally refurbished just for this show--and I was entranced and enthralled. But that is the only musical I can tolerate. The rest irk me. The whole idea that life stops so that someone can sing a hokey song is silly. Well, wait. I did like the movie Fiddler on the Roof and was actually in the show in high school, but even that was pushing it with the ghost wife scene. And do not get me started on the whole issue of Daniel Day-Lewis's next role being in a musical. I am in denial.

Finally, Olive Garden. One recently opened near me, and the place has been jammed at all hours every day. I'm sorry; I just don't get it. I find Olive Garden to be the Taco Bell of pseudo-Italian food. It's bland, it's boring, and it combines about eight basic ingredients in eleventy hundred different ways and calls them all a different name, but they all taste vaguely the same. It's the Taco Bell Principle. Taco Bell uses seasoned ground beef, cheese, beans, soft or hard shells, and a topping or two and yet has about thirty menu items. How? Ask Olive Garden. Most people love Olive Garden, and everyone goes there for dinner. There aren't a lot of decent choices around us anymore, and this further limits me. Why am I such a pain in the ass?

Do you like any of this Stuff? What is some Stuff You Wish You Liked?

Top 5 Sandwiches

Sometimes, you just want a sandwich. And I don't mean one of those goofy, gourmet made-up cheffy creations either, like avocado-inflamed trout cheeks and sprouts with mint and mango pesto on a flarkle cheese focaccia roll. I'm talking a standard, no-fuss sandwich that you can just make your own damn self. And eat with Lay's Original Potato Chips. But save the foldy ones for me.

Here are my Top 5 Go-To Sandwiches:

1. BLT

2. Reuben

3. Peanut Butter & Jelly

4. Grilled Cheese

5. Tuna Salad

Okay, so if you don't love the Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato sandwich--I cannot help you; no one can. I won't even prescribe the condiment. You can choose: mayonnaise or Miracle Whip. I don't care. You can even decide whether or not to toast the bread. Hell, I don't even care if the bread is white or wheat! This is the perfect sandwich, especially if you have just picked the tomatoes fresh from your own garden oh my god I think I harmed myself just thinking about it.

The Reuben is best ordered out, but it can be made at home, even with a good deli corned beef. Do not even attempt to say, "Oh, and you can make it just as good with turkey." No, you cannot. Shut up.

And, come on, peanut butter & jelly. Classic. I will say, however, that if you do not at some point try it with Smucker's strawberry jam, you are missing quite possibly the gustatory opportunity of a lifetime. As far as peanut butter, I prefer Jif. Smooth. Just an FYI.

Grilled cheese is the ultimate comfort sandwich: warm, buttery, smooth, gooey, and you know it is seriously naughty in the fat and cholesterol departments. Who cares? If you're going to make it count, use real butter, though. So good!

Finally, I have to say that I make a killer tuna salad in the summertime because I use fresh dill from my herb garden. I use only white albacore tuna--water packed--Hellman's real mayo, and tons of fresh dill. I toss a little Lawrey's season salt and fresh ground black pepper in there and let me tell you, that stuff is major.