Ever get crabby and dismissive over something for no good reason? I do this often and I don't apologize for it. Hey, it happens.Stuff I Am Unreasonably Irked By
1. Brett Favre
2. the Dallas Cowboys
3. Short leather jackets
4. Chihuahuas
5. Chris Farley/Adam Sandler/SNL Male Comedian du jour Movies
6. Balloons
I'm going to try to discuss these in a reasonable, calm manner. Don't piss me off and end up on this list, whatever you do. ;-)
1. Okay, look: Brett Favre is a spoiled diva who held at least two teams hostage while he farted around and ninny-nannyed and Kept His Dream Alive, along with ESPN, ESPN2, and ESPN753's ratings. He is a Walking Soap Opera. I am sick and tired of athletes being allowed to retire as many times as they want and then come back like Saviors Of Their Sport (do you hear me, Michael Jordan?). And if I have to hear one more time about how BF is *gasp!* FORTY, and yet so exuberant and wonderful, I will vomit all over myself. Big Effing Deal. All BF fans need to look at THIS. End of discussion.
2. Do NOT call the Dallas Cowboys "America's Team." I am an American, and they are not my team. Who started that bullshit, anyway? What is so American about the Dallas Cowboys? Their roster of criminals? I hate having any pseudo-patriotism shoved down my throat, so this automatically frosts my cupcakes. The cheerleaders are bad enough. They even had two movies made about them. And, while we're on the subject, why do NFL teams even have cheerleaders? Can anyone think of anything more pointless?
3. What is the deal with those short, tight leather jackets that some chicks like to wear? I'm not talking about as a fashion accessory; I'm talking about--ostensibly--for warmth. There is no way in hell that they are warm. They cannot be. It doesn't cover the butt; hell, it doesn't even cover the entire midriff area. Looks ridiculous. Every time I see one, the person wearing it looks like she's freezing and can barely put her arms up high enough to fit her hands in her pockets. It's insane.
4. When will these sad, pathetic dogs finally be bred out of existence? I mean, Chihuahuas look like an old man who was left out in the winter naked and wet. They shiver constantly and they look...guilty as hell! All of them look like they have either just been beaten or like they should be beaten because they just peed on the dining room rug or something. What is with these dogs? I don't get the appeal. They kind of look like they need a fix...like they've been trying to get off meth but it's just so damn hard! And those Chihuahua owners who dress their dogs? Please. These poor animals have a hard enough life. Don't rob them of what modicum of dignity they possess.
5. Every time someone tries to tell me of the comedic genius of Chris Farley, I want to smack that someone. Hard. I'm sorry, but being a fat guy with no physical boundaries is hardly on par with the wit of David Sedaris or even Richard Pryor. Jiggling your fat will eventually make someone laugh. That is always true. And Adam Sandler? Using a funny, gratingly annoying voice in an inappropriate situation will make males between the ages of 2 and 26 laugh. Not to self-aggrandize here, but I need more. For the rest of the SNL Male Comedians, merely extrapolate. (Hey, even Fletch wasn't really funny. Noted exception, Bill Murray, but even The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou sucked. And you know it did!)
6. Is there anything on Earth more pointless than balloons? Come on, now, really. Sure, they look festive, but then what? After twelve hours or less, they sink sadly, pucker up, and become...sad. Sad, drifting obstacles and reminders of the transience of happiness. And when your little toddler gets a balloon and it A) blows away B) pops C)becomes pet fodder and is destroyed, how fun is that? ZERO--FOR EVERYONE. You can't do anything with a balloon, really. Either when it is inflated or when it's done. It's the single most pointless thing there is. Balloons are awful. Just awful. I abhor waste, and balloons are wasteful. Just seeing them, especially a "bouquet" of them, irks the hell out of me.
Are there more things I am unreasonably irked by? Of course there are. But it's your turn now. What Stuff irks you? Be bold and brave! Call them out once and for all! How dare they, after all, bedevil you?
5 comments:
1. Stupid people: The woman at work who can't do anything right, the people who stumble side-by-side and block the entire sidewalk, the woman who asks me for a dollar three or four times each week, etc. Why can't they understand how the world works? Hell, why can't they understand how their immediate surroundings work?
2. I can't think of anything else. Nothing else is very irritating, at least compared to stupid people.
Mikey--These seem pretty reasonable to me, whereas my Irks are downright unfounded and random.
I suppose they're reasonable irks, but the extent to which they irk me is a bit extreme. Sometimes I wonder if I had a gun and amnesty...
Mikey is right on about the stupid people. And yes that is a "righteous" irk, but a big one nonetheless.
Personal irks:
#1. What passes for high fashion is patently ridiculous. NOBODY wears the clothes you see on a runway because the majority of those women are unhuman robots, and the designers are only trying to impress each other. The idiots that follow high fashion always appear to me to be desperate to be cool. Don't these people know how to dress themselves? It's sad that most of them have no one to honestly tell them how stupid they look. Even if I was tall and thin and rich, I would NEVER buy that crap.
#2. PETA. I am an animal lover and own horses, but this group is so far over the top that they can't be taken seriously anymore. Instead of large, peaceful, and loud media-highlighted protests, or working hard to try to get legislation passed to make life better for animals, they throw paint on someone wearing fur, or "liberate" the lab animals while destroying personal property. The short-sightedness is appalling. My favorite parody is the t-shirt I saw someone wearing at a horse event: People Eating Tasty Animals.
3. Gordon Ramsey. He is an asshole. Why does anyone pay any attention to this jackass ever? There are so many hard issues and sad things in the everyday world--why would anyone watch this jerk on purpose? If he was my boss, he would be dead in 30 seconds due to blunt force trauma with a cast iron skillet. He is the poster child for spoiled brats.
There are definitely other irksome things, but they mostly fall into the stupid/oblivious people category.
Mikey--I cannot imagine you ever being unreasonable about anything. As a matter of fact, you are about the single most reasonable person I know. Seriously. I just thought about it, and you are. Wow.
Life--I get what you mean about runway wear. Especially the couture stuff. It's hilarious sometimes. Go ahead and be irked.
PETA, like all extremists and zealots, just leave me shaking my head. I don't get irked because I am not invested like you are. I don't doubt for a moment that you are The Paragon Of Wonderfulness for your animals, as I was for mine. But I eat steak and use butter. I don't wear fur, but all my shoes are leather. If someone has a problem with that, oh well. Let them eat cake.
I watch Hell's Kitchen because I find it entertaining on a variety of levels. Is Gordon Ramsey an asshole on this show. Why, yes he is! Is the world in need of better things from me during that hour, like perhaps me building low-cost housing for the poor? Oh, sure. But that's not going to happen and I'm not going to feel guilty if, after a hard day at The Rock, I want to put my fleece pants and a big teeshirt on and watch mindless fluff like Hell's Kitchen or The Office. I've served my time. So have you. Get a sinful snack and watch something, too. Just something less irksome. LOL. (And hey, don't tell me that he doesn't have a bit of entertainment value when he yells at a girl and calls her "Madam." I love that.)
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