Oh, hello there. Come here often? What's shakin'?Yes, it's been a while since I've been here. There is no excuse for it. I want to make that known right now. Nance will tell you it's because I'm a slug, lazy, and sometimes apathetic about most things. What do I say to that? Good call, Mother. Also, that I have been, albeit regrettably and inexplicably, cantankerous as of late.
Now that we are caught up, let's get down to brass tacks. ("Brass tacks"? How old am I?)
My new favorite night is Thursday. Thursday is Boyfriend Night. What is that? Basically, if girls can call each other girlfriend, we can call each other boyfriend...and we do. The place: Harry Buffalo on Boyfriend Night. Let's explore some of the worst pickup lines that I may or may not have used on Boyfriend Night, in descending order of how much I like them. Not based upon their results, but how much I like them. I may (or may not) have been a couple of pitchers deep when these lines were (or were not) uttered.
5 Worst Pickup Lines
5. "Hey, I'm Jared. Does your boyfriend know you're here tonight? Just checking."
4. "Whatever you're drinking, I'll buy one."
3. "Hi, you feel like coming and sitting with us? If you do, great, and if not, that's cool too. Just asking."
2. "Are you drinking Bud Lite? Oh, good thing. Why? Because it's awful and you look like you need a Long Island. I'll take care of that."
1. "Hello, can I buy you a water?"
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5. This is an EASY way to see if the girl is attached to someone. Either it's a "yes" meaning "I have a boyfriend, guy. Back off," or it's a "no" meaning "I have a boyfriend, and he doesn't need to know I'm here. Back off, guy". Or, even better, it could be "I don't have a boyfriend". What's that? Oh, that works out well. See what I did there?
4. Basically, this is being straightforward. All you want here is to buy a drink. Who turns that down? Nobody. And that's the key. If you buy the drink, she accepts it, and then reveals that she has a boyfriend, you didn't get rejected, she was CLEARLY interested, just has someone already. In fact, it's HER FAULT for leading you on. See? Basically, you are spending three bucks to see if a girl has a boyfriend, is a cheater, or just likes to have a good drink from a guy with a dominant beard. Three dollars well spent, I say.
3. Nonchalance at its finest. No urgency, not smothering, basically saying, "I'm interested, but only if you are." This needs no further explanation. So simple. So perfect. Plus, it'll give her and her friends something to talk about. You, sir, have done your job. Make interest known? Check. Put ball in their court? Check. Give them a discussion topic for that night and if they see you there again? Check...and...Check. Well played, sir.
2. First and foremost, Bud Lite sucks. Ok? Budweiser? Fine. Bud Lite? Why bother? Second of all, who doesn't love a Long Island? I know I do. And you probably do too. It's got enough booze to be manly, but it's sweet enough to be girly. It's the perfect drink to have WITH a girl. Also, you've communicated that you have good taste. What's more, you have also let her know you have her best interest in mind that evening. Basically, for a beautiful girl to drink anything other than a Long Island is preposterous. Biggest drink turnoff for me and my boyfriends? Cranberry and vodka. Cliche, boring, stupid, and makes me want to throw the drink across the room. Top drink I would immediately fall for a girl if she ordered it upon my offer to buy? Gin and Tonic. I'm marrying that girl. Hands down. As long as it isn't Beefeater.
1. COME ON! This....this friends, is flawless. You are doing so much here. So much that I will, in fact, give this its own top five. An unprecedented move here at Stuff:
A. You are showing your amazing sense of humor.
B. You are still clearly demonstrating an interest.
C. Follow it with "Oh, I'm sorry, that was rude. My name is Jared, what are you drinking?" and it shows humility, willingness to admit you were an ass, and willingness to atone for your ass-holier-than-thou attitude.
D. If it fails just brush it off as "She doesn't have a sense of humor. Not right for me." It's about built-in outs.
D. If it fails just brush it off as "She doesn't have a sense of humor. Not right for me." It's about built-in outs.
E. Water is free. That is all.
Discuss.
JPD
5 comments:
LOL ... it all makes sense on paper. The question that begs to be asked is to what degree has this approach worked for you? Do you have or have you gotten a girlfriend in the past by initially using this approach? Just curious. I did chuckle over a few of these. And, brass tacks ... clearly you are an old soul. ;-)
Shirley
I was trying at first to think what my own reaction would be to any of these pickup lines, but then I realized several things, among them:
1. I am your mother, so that seems icky.
2. I am too old to be picked up in a bar.
3. It's been too long since I was single and pickupable, so I am having a hard time imagining it.
4. I am too busy holding a grudge against you for your preposterous and ridiculous prejudice against vodka and cranberry. You are an idiot and I am thisclose to hating you.
---Love, your mother.
Hahaha...I find these absurdly charming, especially #1 and #3. I refuse to believe #1 has ever failed.
Now, I have a question, and this seems like a good opportunity to ask. Being newly single and newly old enough to go to bars, I don't know how to handle the whole guys-buying-drinks-for-me thing. I've accepted drinks from friends, but declined a stranger recently because I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS (and also because I wasn't interested). Under what circumstances should I accept it? Is he going to expect anything from me if I do? It's maddening.
tiana -- always accept it. 1. its a free drink. 2. he offered so its a him problem, not a you problem. 3. if you dont you look cold and rude.
shirley -- most lines are unsuccessful. at least at first. i am sorta "talking" to someone but did not need these lines. my dominant facial hair, stunning physique, and fact that i can type things like that without actually thinking them were what did it.
nance -- im going to punch you in the face for your affinity for vodka. it is stupid, i hate it, and want it gone. both vodka and your attitude. i am thisclose to hating you. love, your son.
I really don't even know what to say...I am laughing though.
I recently had a man hitting on me in the grocery store. Besides the fact that he was old engough to be my father (possibly even my grandfather) he was pathetic. He kept asking me how to cook things. And finally said, "sounds, like you're a really good cook. and I like to eat. Maybe we could do something about that!" I was so disgusted I actually left the store without getting everything I needed. Ugh, men.
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