Wednesday, April 28, 2010

We Can Put A Man On The Moon, Huh?

I used to hate it when people would say, "We can put a man on the moon, yet we still can't..." But now? Now I get it. The USA put people on the moon because they wanted to. They had drive. Ambition. Curiosity. I see how this works. However, the question remains: Doesn't it take significantly less of each of those attributes to do a few minor things that are relatively practical and provide everyday functionality for everyone? This brings me to my list of questions:

Hey, How Come We Can't...

1. Make a cordless vacuum?
2. Have normalized television programming?
3. Make a faucet that doesn't sound like you're rinsing dishes with Niagara Falls?
4. Make cooperative car cupholders?
5. Create a straw that does not leak?

1. That cord is terrible. Running The Sucker is really two jobs. Job 1: Vac. Job 2: Babysit and wrangle the cords constantly. This is terrible. Also, while we are at it, can we do something about the noise that this thing makes when you inevitably suck up a little bit of the cord? Really? Do the neighbors need to know that you failed at Job 2? Everytime I suck up the cord a little, I feel like I have to get ready to defend my fail. "Am I OK? Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Just sort of accidently navigated over this here cord. Yeah, I know it was loud. Right. I know. It's fine. Thanks."

(Is there such a thing, technically, as a "cordless" vac? Yes. Absolutely yes. It is called Roomba. However, does anyone really trust these things? Let me get this straight. You turn on a ROBOT that glides around your house and supposedly knows where all of the dirt is? And I am just supposed to TRUST this contraption? Not a chance. If a person doesn't vac, then no sucker-running has taken place. We are not The Jetsons. Also, I am not one of Those Men. Those Men that think that housework is for women. Oh hell no. I was not raised that way. Men, run that goddamned vac. Please. Not tough.)

2. QUICK! What time and on what day does your favorite show air? Exactly. Now, don't get too comfortable with this. Because for no reason, and without warning, it will change. Also, new episodes will be interrupted with re-runs for weeks before the continuance of the prior episode. This is egregious. And I want it fixed. This is why I like ESPN. I know EXACTLY what time my shows are on. And if something preempts it? It is simply, easily, and VERY publicly moved to another one of their networks. Flawless. Take notes, Network Bitches.

3. Full disclosure: I hate noise. Of all sorts. Most things are too loud and probably don't need to be as loud as they are. And I hate it. I HATE the noise that the faucet makes. It sounds like someone is standing at my kitchen counter with a fire hose and they refuse to stop until the nonstick coating is permanently destroyed on every pan and that the glossy coating on the plates is totally obliterated. And what's more is that they don't give a FUCK that I am trying to watch television, read an article or do anything that is NOT listen to the goddamned life-ruining faucet.

4. There's this annoying little rubber insert thing in cupholders. I understand that it is there to try to stabilize the beverage in question. And, hell, if you take them out? Why, then you can theoretically fit a larger drink in there! ERRONEOUS! What happens then is that your drink is wobblier than a drunken Teletubbie. And when the thing is in there? As soon as you free your beverage from the visegrip that is your cupholder...get ready because that obnoxious little bugger will attach itself to your delicious refreshment. Brutal. This is why I refuse to use the cupholders in my Focus. Unwieldy, at best.

5. We have combs that will not break. We have bridges that basically use wires to hold up TONS and TONS of poundage every day. We even have fabric that will resist a stain. However, for some reason, any time you whack the end of your straw in an effort to break the opposite end's cellophane enclosure, your straw is liable to bend and break. Not visibly shatter. But create a small leaky crack that will undoubtedly challenge your ability to use it to enjoy your drink of choice. I can run a comb over with a car that weighs 4356758667567 pounds with ZERO DAMAGE, but I cannot simply open a straw without fear of ruining it? Furthermore, it isn't even being ruined by using it. It's being ruined by trying to prepare to use it. Am I the only one that finds this ludicrous? I cannot be.

So, Stuffers, what do you find yourself unable to come to terms with due to modern mankind's lack of effort, despite the fact that MEN HAVE WALKED ON THE MOON!?


Life at the Funny Farm said...

Anyone who can write two paragraphs about vacuuming scares me just a bit, but I do understand the frustration. And I do agree on the cupholder issue. My SUV has three cupholders, but only one is actually usable.

My items for this list:

1. Being an IT person, I can attest to the untold number of hours I have sat in front of a computer waiting for it to reboot. "Instant on" computers are the holy grail in the IT world, and yet they still have not come anywhere close to accomplishing this. I could have climbed Mt Everest with all the time I've wasted waiting on computers to start. Grrrrr...

2. Dishwashers that take hours to clean your dishes also rate on my version of this list. In my mind, you should be able to have a dishwasher, with super hot water and very powerful jets, clean your dishes in 30 minutes TOPS. TOPS!! Yet my dishwasher at home (which is slow ~ an hour) is at warp speed compared to the BRAND NEW one at my office that takes almost 2 HOURS to complete its normal cycle. This is not rocket science. And yet...

3. Batteries have basically not improved (much) since the Stone Age. They still do not last very long, and die at the most inopportune time. They should either last FOREVER or be able to be recharged instantly. Why hasn't someone re-invented the battery and become a bazillionaire?

I'm sure there are other things, but these are the few that come to mind immediately.

Nance said...

1. Make cooperative plastic wrap?
(and while we're at it, bring back the commonsense slide-cutter that Reynolds had for its now-defunct plastic wrap, too!)
2. Devise a container that keeps ice cream from developing that icky surface after you've scooped some out and put it back into the freezer.

I'm with LAFF re: the dishwasher. Why does it take so long? Ridiculous. Also, hairdryers are way too loud.


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