These days, lots of people have bad news to share. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say to them. I can tell you right now what not to say to them. Incredibly, these awful, ridiculous platitudes are often repeated to people when these poor individuals are at their lowest ebb, and these terrible sayings are meant to comfort them. Please, never say them to anyone. Here are the
Worst Things Ever Said To Sad People
1. God never gives people more than they can handle.
2. These things happen for a reason.
3. It's all part of God's plan.
4. Well, it is what it is.
Honestly, I mean, just look at them! First of all, that first one has to be the worst, and it's easily disproved by taking a tour of any psychiatric ward of any hospital or looking at the staggering number of people who have prescriptions for anti-depressant medications. How is that comforting? It's basically saying, "Hey, you deserve your pain because you're a reasonably strong and resilient person, so this hardship is your reward! Congratulations!" Yikes.
Numbers 2 and 3 are conveniently mystical and empty. How comforting can they be? They remind me of a group at my school called "PUSH" which meets about twice a month. PUSH stands for Pray Until Something Happens. I have no problem with the P or the U or the H of that mission. It's the S that confounds me. Are they willing to take both credit and blame?
Finally, number 4 really frosts my cupcakes because it's just plain stupid. Imagine if we all lived that way, accepting the present reality of every single situation and never attempting to rise above it, to mold it, to improve it, or to ferret out its origins, relevance, relationships...anything. Besides all of that, what does it really mean? Is it merely some sort of license to do...nothing? Is it the New Millennium's "If it feels good, do it?" Isn't it basically a variation on the GenX "Whatever"? I'd like to find the person who started this pseudo-philosophy/mantra and wring his neck.
Sometimes, the best thing to say is a heartfelt, "That's terrible. I'm so sorry" and let it go at that.
5 comments:
I was just discussing this subject on another friend's blog. She's waiting for a baby from Korea and the actual adoption keeps getting delayed. She's going crazy with the waiting and not having a real date and people keep saying these inane things to her.
I agree with your comments on these platitudes, but absolutely on #4 ... there is this attitude that you are supposed to accept the cards you are dealt. Baloney. Look how many of history's great leaders and the like did not accept their "fate."
I agree with your conclusion, too. Those words would always be well received if said sincerely. But, I know I've probably said something stupid like this at some time to someone ... just trying to fill awkwardness and provide comfort. Yet, I do remember the horrible things people said to us when my FIL was dying, thinking they were being kind. I think they can come up with the right thing to say once ... it's just every time after that, that they keep searching for more words. Often the best thing to do is give a hug or ask, what can I do to help?
Shirley
Shirley--You bring up another important point. I really dislike people who toss out "Let me know what I can do to help" in an insincere way. (I do NOT mean to imply that you are one of those people. I absolutely know that you are NOT.) Too many people say that and, when you say, "I could really use a ride to the doctor next week" or "Actually, if you could watch my kids on Friday, that would be great", they all of a sudden have an excuse. Not everyone CAN "help", so he/she should not say so. Again, a sincere expression of sympathy, a hug, a simple offer to call someone who CAN help...all of those things are fine. Stick with the simple. THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. It's a moment you'll be glad you took.
Excellent point, Nance. With good friends, I can usually get them to tell me how to help. Most of the time you just have to go ahead and do something for folks and not wait if you really want to be helpful because in crisis times, there's just too much going on for them to even think. But, there are definitely folks who throw that offer out with no intention of helping, and they are sometimes the same folks who offer those horrid platitudes. (Again, thinking back on my own past experiences.)
Shirley
Sometimes it is just best to say nothng at all and just give them a hug or a quick squeeze of the hand. Words are not always necessary. I hate it when people at a funeral say, He looks so good. For God's sake they are dead!!
Or, that age old, 'I know exactly how you feel' I will say, well, I know how I felt...but how can I know exactly how someone feels?
When I lost my baby, I hated hearing, well, you can always have another one. As if the next one is going to replace the one I was carrying.
Why does anyone say it is what it is? What does that mean? I hate it.
Garnetrose--My sympathy to you on the loss of your baby. I agree with everything you've said. Funerals are, in my opinion, such a terrible custom. So difficult for the family to have to go through. And so awful for anyone to know what to say that it's inevitable that someone will say the wrong thing, no matter how well-meaning they are. Sigh.
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