Sounding Off On The Sporting Life

I don't participate in Sports; they require that you exert effort and I might, therefore, become sweaty. I do, however, watch Sports on television. (Sometimes, I might even go to A Sporting Event "live.") Spectating also allows me to observe those in attendance, and I have to tell you, there is a lot of

Stuff That People Need To Stop Doing At Sporting Events

1. Sending text messages
2. Talking on cell phones
3. Trying to get on television
4. Inserting themselves into the event
5. Taking off their shirts

Even if you don't watch Sporting Events on television, you can undoubtedly appreciate the righteousness of these arguments. Consider:

1. There is nothing so idiotic and irksome to me than to watch, say, a championship Sporting Event whose prime seats go for a thousand dollars, and to see some bozo or bimbo sitting there with a cellular device, thumbing away. If you are going to ignore The Major Sporting Event in order to send vowelless gibberish to your friends, then just stay home! I don't get it. And it is People Of All Ages who are guilty of this transgression. I know dozens of people who would literally mow down the elderly for lower bowl seats to an NBA playoff series game, and some airhead is sitting courtside sending random bullshit to someone who is probably sitting next to him/her.

2. Ditto with cell phone usage. Every time the camera zooms in on a batter in an MLB game, some yahoo behind home plate with excellent seats is on his phone. Naturally, the goofball he is talking to is watching the game at home and tells him he is on TV. Now the doofus has to wave and stand up and act like a moron so that his friend can say, "Yeah, I see you! I see you!" Sigh. Sit down and--here's a novel idea--watch the game!"

3. Sometimes there are pre- and post-game interviews near the seats/stands. This means that sad, attention-deprived fans who are maturity-challenged will stand behind the interviewers and jump up and down, make faces, keep wandering nonchalantly back and forth, wave, etc. in order to be on television. Sometimes they will helpfully yell the name of "their" team or the statement "We're number one!" Stellar.

4. Recently, a teenager decided to run onto the field during a Phillies baseball game. He was tasered when he kept running and eluding security. According to some reports, this idiot even called his father first to tell him he was thinking of doing it. He just wanted the game to be memorable. To quote my son Sam, "Hey. Save your ticket stub." Police also had to taser a golf fan on May 7th. And Danny Ainge, the Boston Celtics General Manager, tossed a towel into the air while an opposing player was shooting a free throw during a playoff game. He was subsequently fined $25K for insinuating himself into the game. What is wrong with these people? THE GAME IS NOT ABOUT YOU. SIT THERE, WATCH THE GAME, GO HOME. HOW HARD IS THAT?

5. What is it about going to a Sporting Event that makes men act as if they are having Their First Beers Ever? Then they take off their shirts in a manly display of...what? It would be different if they were Fine Examples Of The Masculine Form. But, more often than not, they are tubby, flabby, chalky ickmonsters who then jiggle their puddingy selves while their bad haircuts get sweaty and some of them then throw up. Ugh. Again: I don't get it.

All sports have rules. It's part of the game. Maybe it's time for there to be stricter rules about Watching the Games, too.

Top 5 Things I Wouldn't Have Admitted to a Year Ago.

Everyone has things about himself or herself that he or she knows are true but don't necessarily want anyone else to know. Movies, likes, dislikes...you name it, we all have them. Here are my Top 5 Things I Never Would Have Admitted To A Year Ago.

1. My favorite movie is The Sound Of Music.
2. My favorite song is Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers.
3. I think that most female news anchors are sexy.
4. Sometimes, I pee sitting down.
5. I would rather have good wine than good beer.

Explanation:

The Sound of Music is an amazing film. If you don't like this film, I don't like you. Plain and simple. Julie Andrews is incredibly sexy in this film and there's something exciting about the way that she rallies those kids. Honestly, how is this any different than most sports movies? People facing adversity find inspiration from a somewhat unlikely source. They wind up stronger than they were to begin with and in the end, we all learn that you cannot fight being yourself. You have to embrace who you are and where you came from, regardless of what circumstances have caused you to become. Classic.

Unchained Melody is the single best song ever written. The hurt, the love, the passion. It's all so real and all so raw. Plus, it's awesome to sing. Try it. Also, we have all felt the way that those guys do at some point in our lives. If you haven't, get some therapy. Quickly. Because you, my lost-souled friend, are withdrawn and feeling-less. Just sayin'.

Women that know things are sexy. Plain and simple. And let's be real, perception is reality. If it looks like they know something, regardless of the teleprompter, they know it. And the best part? They knew it before me. If for no other reason than someone told them. If someone tells them something before they tell me, they knew it first. And they are teaching it to me. And they do so with vigor and with a well faked passion for what they are saying. Plus, some of them are just flat out gorgeous. Even better, 90% of them are on CNN. Christi Paul, Brooke Anderson, and ESPECIALLY Linda Stouffer. These women would be beautiful if it weren't for their news readings, but the fact that they say it like they mean it...that makes them sexy.

This is simple really. I am lazy. And sometimes, since I am a comfort junky, this is the best option. Especially in the AM. I'm groggy, tired, generally pissed off at being awake, and the last thing that I want to do is stand there when I could be sitting. Guys, don't act like you don't do this sometimes.

Good wine is one of the best things in life. There's so much there. Depth, body, taste, emotions and familiarity with the smells. A good wine can evoke some emotion. There is no beer I have ever had that does that. The closest thing? When I am at a bar and they have Killians on draught, I think of my father and our routine before Cavaliers games. That means a lot. But a good bottle of wine? That makes me think of family vacations, friends, and most importantly, the things that all of that means. Any time that a glass half full of something makes you think of all of those things, it's important. Plus, the idea of a glass being half full and able to satisfy me is something optimistic. And in today's world of cynicism and negativity, that's something special whether it's symbolic or not.

--JPD

The Only 5 Christmas Specials We Really Need

There's way too many Christmas specials on TV, and they come on way too early. Most of them are crap. I'm not one of those people who say that the TV specials were way better when I was a kid forty years ago. We had crappy Christmas specials then, too--creepy marionettes and a really dumb one based upon the carol "The Little Drummer Boy" that went way beyond the basics of that song. But there are way too many now that are plain garbage, and we need to get back to the basics. Here is my list--in no particular order--of

The Only 5 Christmas Specials We Really Need:

1. How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
3. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas
5. The House without a Christmas Tree

The Grinch cartoon is a classic narrated by Boris Karloff, and the singing is done by the legendary Thurl Ravenscroft, who, in addition to having a kick-ass name, did tons of voices for Disney including that of Kirby, the Brave Little Toaster. Doesn't matter. The Grinch is probably the best Christmas special in that it is a timeless classic. It has no product tie-ins, no pop culture references, and nothing to date it. Best thing? It's not sappy.

Rudolph is the most iconic Christmas special there is. Yes, it's hokey. Yes, it has that horrid musical sequence with Rudoph and Clarice. Yes, it has the incredibly cruel Santa scenes. (And what exactly is so horribly wrong with that misfit doll, anyway? No nose? Give a kid a Sharpie--FIXED!) But when Rudolph trumpets, "Ready, Santa!" in that goofy voice, you know you love it.

Mr. Magoo doing Ebenezer Scrooge was genius casting. This is the best version of the Dickens story that there ever was. As a rule, I'm no fan of musicals, but this one gave us the term "razzleberry dressing." Come on!

And, I'm sorry, if you do not love the Charlie Brown Christmas special, then you have no soul. In its place, you have a black, sulphurous, leeching void. What about Pigpen as the Innkeeper? What about the dancing twins? What about Snoopy's doghouse winning First Prize?

Finally, if you have never seen "The House without a Christmas Tree," then you have missed a really good Christmas special. It was televised in 1972, but is set in the 40s. Heavy-hitter Jason Robards stars in it, and it's a heartbreaker about a little girl whose father is left to raise her after her mom dies, and he just plain sucks at it. She desperately wants a Christmas tree, but he...well, not so much.

Probably since this is already December 3rd, the networks are done showing Christmas specials and have moved on to showing summer reruns. But you can put these on your October calendar for next year!