Stuff I Don't Need Anymore
1. Spoons.
2. Beer cozies.
3. Strainers for the disposal.
4. 98% of TV channels.
5. Daily news.
In order to streamline your life, I have taken all of the thinking out of the equation for you. You're welcome.
1. A few summers ago, I decided to renounce the spoon. For several months, I simply did not use a spoon. I mean, seriously, what real use do they provide. Soup? Sip it. Ice cream? It'll stay on your fork. Trust me. Mashed potatoes? Please. Even rice. If it is made properly, it will be dense and moist enough not only to pack a flavor punch, but also to sit proudly atop your fork, remaining atop it for the duration of its ride from plate to mouth. It became fun to annoy girlfriends, friends, parents, and especially my brother by strutting my forking self over to lay the spoon to rest where it belonged before a meal. (In the garbage? Tempting, but in this case, I am referring to the drawer.)
2. Where the hell are all these people that sit on a beer so long that they need to find a way to keep it cool for more than 10 or 15 minutes? I mean, really. Just. Drink. It. I'm not saying that one should pound one's drinks. Not at all. Enjoy them. Relax with them. Just do it in a timely manner. I swear on all things sacred, if it takes you longer than 15 minutes to drink a beer, you probably didn't want it in the first place. In this case, you are basically stealing. That's right. You are stealing that beer from someone who not only might have actually wanted the beer, but also knows that beer is only useful if one drinks it. Cold. And promptly.
3. My mother is particularly fond of our sink strainer. Nobody knows why. For the rest of us, it gets in the way. Of everything. Of me rinsing out or wiping out the sink after a meal, for starters. But most egregiously, it stops food from entering the bowels of the disposal. Also, if you forget to remove said impediment, you then have to rinse the disgusting meal remnants out of the beast to get it to the...yep, the very thing the strainer is designed to keep it from, the spinning, whirling, all-consuming blades of the disposal. Silly, really. Isn't it?
4. Does anyone need C-SPAN? No. How about MTV2? Doubtful. Fox News? Please. Even I will admit that there are too many sports channels. ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, Fox Sports...the list is really endless and rivaled only by the number of 24-hour news channels all telling the same story. People, find one you like and trust, roll with it, erase the rest. I promise you that, one way or another, you will be able to hear approximately 92,567 different opinions on the price of oil from one channel. Try it. It is liberating, really. For example, the television in our livingroom skips from channel 15 directly to 26, courtesy Yours Truly. Once you erase one channel, you'll think "Holy shit, that felt great. Book C-SPAN, you're next!"
5. We get it. The economy sucks, Cash for Clunkers was a rousing success, California is dealing with their Crisis Of The Week, and it is still baseball season. Everyday, it is the same crap. Over and over again. You know how when you lift weights they tell you to go every other day so that your muscles don't treat your workout with a sense of "ho-hum, fuck this?" Let's apply this to the news. It may actually have an interesting effect...THINKING FOR OURSELVES. Imagine if there was news on Monday and they gave you Tuesday to reflect on what you learned; come back to it with fresh eyes on Wednesday, get some new stuff, and think about that in time for Friday. Colleges do this with class schedules. It is a system that is tried and true in every regard. Let's make this happen.
So, readers, what do you think? Challenge yourselves! Live without some things. In current economic times, people often talk about tightening financial belts and making sacrifices. Who the hell wants to do that? What fun can be had there? Instead, tighten your frivolity belts in terms of daily usage and viewing. Just a suggestion. Keep fun stuff, eliminate boring unnecessary stuff, and see if it makes each day just a little more interesting. I like to say that we should always try to be fantastic. However, if you can't be fantastic, at least be interesting. One thing is for sure, eating Jell-O with a fork, while perhaps not fantastic, is ALWAYS interesting.
--
JPD
10 comments:
1. Can't give up my spoon. Way too much good stuff would get left behind if I gave up my spoon, plus I'm quite fond of spoons from a visual standpoint.
2. Beer cozies. No problem on that one (since I don't drink beer anyway). And, most beer cozies are covered with stupid sayings and goofy logos.
3. Strainers for the sink. Gotta have it. I'm with your mom on that one.
4. Agreed. Way too many crappy channels for sure. I'm not sure we've improved much since we had four channels way back when. I still tend to watch about 4 channels on a regular basis.
5. Thinking for ourselves ... novel concept. I'm still amazed how many people have to wait to decide what they think of the president's speech until AFTER they'd heard the analysis/report card. Ugh.
Okay, JPD, I'll see what I can pare down this week based on your example. ;-)
Shirley
1. The spoon thing is just you being cantankerous. I love spoons. They're so tidy and pleasant to eat with. I vastly prefer them to forks in so many ways. Besides, it is positively barbaric to sip one's soup unless it is served in a cup. Think CHILI, esp. Too thick--mine is, anyway--to actually sip.
2. I'm off all canned and bottled bevs, so no issue there. I'm with Shirley on the dumb stuff that decorates them, too.
3. I use the strainer when I am spraying off veggies and stuff that I do NOT want to fall down into the disposal. I don't want to reach down INTO the disposal to retrieve it and risk getting icky OR having an electrical malfunction and GET MY HAND CHEWED OFF.
4. As you know, we have no movie channels or premium channels. AS far as I am concerned, you can erase the cartoon channels, all MTVs (only Sam watches them and he's never home), and all sports channels. Please put the History channel back. Thank you.
5. We differ on this, but I agree that much of our LOCAL news is shit. Plain and simple. And I like to think that I am a little Fantastic every day.
But you have to stop trying to dance with me EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's getting annoying.
1. You and my daughter are twins separated at birth. She despises spoons and eats everything with a fork, including soup and ice cream. However, I am with your mom and GFE on the spoons--you can shovel a LOT more stuff into your mouth with a big spoon. I'm a professional spoon user.
2. Beer cozies? Please. I like good beer, but give me a glass of red wine anyday. No cozy needed.
3. I don't have a sink strainer, and have no interest in one.
4. We have Directv with all the premium and movie channels, and there are still many days when there is nothing to watch. Sigh...
5. I don't pay attention to the news unless it's an item I hear about that DIRECTLY affects me, like a fire or freeway closure. Since I have yet to get a call from the powers-that-be wanting my opinion on anything, it's just too frustrating to get worked up about things I can't do anything about. My life is full already and I just don't have time.
And some days I'm fantastic, and some days I'm not. Today is dull with a chance of fantastic later this afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed.
GFFE - ugh. my whole point is that the spoon is excessive. pointing out that it is a tool of excess does nothing but further my point.
YES. you are so right about beer cozies. i drink less beer than i used to but the cozies with slogans on them make me irrate.
Nance -- your delusion knows no bounds. it is not SOLELY me being cantankerous, only part of it.
if its too thick to sip, THEN IT IS THICK ENOUGH FOR A FORK!
stop it. immediately. you love my dancing and you know it. a good slow dance once a day is a good thing. its like...vitamins. or a glass of red wine. something like that.
L@FF -- big ups to your daughter. refer her to the blog and her and i can bitch about spoons together. such as the way that they dont fit comfortably into your mouth and everyone looks like they are trying to swallow a fish when they use a spoon.
very well put on the cozie issue. i want to raise another issue here. someone i know well calls it a koozie. sorry? no. cozie. thanks.
it sounds as though your TV channel issue and your news issue are at odds with one antoher. an interesting juxtaposition of ideas. however, i am EXTREMELY jealous of you because i want to watch all NFL games every week. ill be over sunday around 1. deal? your daughter and i can take turns throwing spoons off the roof at half time.
thanks everyone! enjoyed all the responses very much. ive been a slackingloser on returning comments. i will do better. yes i can.
You're lecturing me/us on excess and you added an extra F to my acronym?! (see the excess there in punctuation?) But, hey, I think I really like the extra F and the new acronym and its meaning! I might actually use that if I didn't have a PG blog. LOL Thanks for starting my day with a laugh!
Shirley
shirley--LOL. give it to him! he needs to proofread something terrible! that "f" wasn't the only extra letter he added, and that "her and i" up there is KILLING ME. sigh.
I nearly choked on the "her and i" myself. Apparently the grammar gene skips a generation...?
Life--No, I'm going to have to jump in here and defend Jared. He really is a good writer and his grammar is impeccable WHEN HE TAKES THE TIME. If you notice, I said, "Proofread." He generally taps out his comments in a tearing hurry and that's when the errors occur. Such are the hours/priorities of the 24-year old male. LOL.
wow. such venom. lol. thanks to nance for jumping to my defense. i was about two comments away from throwing my challenge flag and accusing you all of piling on.
As I say to my daughter, I wouldn't give you shit if I didn't think you could take it. I follow the Roseanne school of parenting, so you better come prepared with a rapier wit and a lightening-fast riposte. Now where's that challenge flag pile? ;-)
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