In Which I Cease My Incessant Bitching

OK. I know I complain a lot. But in fairness, it isn't like there is any shortage of stuff to bitch about.

Now, however, I flip the script. Today, readers, not only will I prolifically and profusely use commas, I will find things to be plus-side about. Plus-side is a new word I have come up with. The meaning is obvious. If it isn't, sound it out.

Without further ado, though there is much ado about plus-siding (VERB!), my

List Of Happies

1. Lifting weights

2. Next weekend

3. Vintage friends

4. The Browns

5. Colin Cowherd
6. Dance Moves

*Honorable mention: my flawless comma usage. (It's almost sexual.)

How come the happiness, or, if you will, plus-sides? Alas, I divulge.

1. It has been a few months of steady lifting so far, and despite my general hatred for exercise, I am enjoying it. A lot. I am noticing very nice results, blowing off some steam, and there is something other than eating and boozing to fill my spare time, however little I may get. Plus, when my brother goes along, it is a nice chance to hang out one on one. Plus-sides galore.

2. My best friend, who shall remain nameless to protect his innocence and potentially his reputation, lives just outside of Columbus in Dublin. I haven't seen him in a couple of months, and I work like crazy, so I requested a weekend off of work to go see him and some other friends. What will we do? Booze, mainly. But also catch up, maybe be athletic, go to dinner, and enjoy some good old fashioned time together. It is going to be amazing. Perhaps post-worthy.

3. Sort of piggy-backing on 2 here. Some of the old friends I will see there are people I was never particularly close with, but have recently reconnected with. It's nice to see them and hang out and do some catching up. Also, I have rekindled a bromance with a friend from a few years ago that, for no good reason, I fell out of touch with. All in all, a very positive experience. I love that we all just pick up where we left off. Only guys can do this. Ladies, take note.

4. For some reason, it brings me great joy when the Cleveland Browns are as bad as they are. And folks, they may be HISTORICALLY bad. I mean like, 2-14 bad. Browns fans have a tendency to be obnoxiously optimistic every year, and most of them are delusionally defensive of their group of sorries. Plus, the Unintentional Comedy Scale is on the verge of having to be redefined every Sunday. Open letter to Browns fans:

Dear Depressed Browns Nation,

0 playmakers + 0 coaching + good division + tough schedule = FAIL FAIL FAIL PUNT!
Sincerely,

The Guy That Tried To Tell You This Two Months Ago

I feel better.

5. The single best guy in radio. Do yourself a favor and youtube "Colin Cowherd Purdue Fan". Even if you don't care about sports, do it. The sports part is irrelevant and not the point I am making here. You're welcome. Keep in mind it is a radio show, so none of the visual stuff is actually part of the show. He is, unapologetically, ruthless. He tells it like it is, calls people out for being myopic, biased, and delusional (Browns fans). He is practical, open about his personal life, and doesn't take himself or sports too seriously. I listen to his show, which airs M-F from 10-1 in the afternoon on ESPN Radio, before bed on my computer. It is a breath of fresh air.

6. Oh my god, dance moves. I have several. My nimbleness borders on stupid, that's how impeccable it is. They have names such as, but not limited to: Get That Bug, Glass Cutters, Windmill, Stuck Right Here, and my personal favorite, Just The Hips AKA I'll have a G&T. I execute them regardless of the presence of any music, anyone else dancing, where I am, or who is watching. I don't care. I have also recently re-visited the slow dance. I have taken it upon myself to attempt to dance with my mother any time there is cheese, or a cheeselike food present. I call it "Cheese Dance". Usually it goes like this:

JARED: Is that cheese?

MOM: Sigh, Yes, Jared. This is cheese.

JARED: Alright, stop right there. Cheese Dance.

MOM: Again? Jared...

JARED: Don't fight it, Mom.

I recently convinced a woman at a bar that she had better slow dance with me during a Journey song. A particularly LOOOONG Journey song. She obliged, and was subsequently swept away into a world she had not likely known heretofore. Legitimately, she was enjoying herself. About four minutes in I gave her an out by saying ,"We don't have to dance the whole song if you don't want to". Her response? "No, that's fine. It's fun." Damn skippy it is. The catch? Married Woman. I had no way of knowing.

Open Letter:

Dear Betrothed Woman Upon Whom I Recently Bestowed The Pleasure Of A Spontaneous Slow Dance,
Did you enjoy the plus-side that was our slow dance?

You're welcome.

Sincerely,
The Greatest And Best Dancer Ever, Who Took You To Dancing Heights You Had Previously Only Thought Of In Movies But Never Even Dreamed Of, As The Human Mind Is Incapable Of Dreaming Of Such Wonder

So, what are your plus-sides? Or, better than that, what are your dance moves called? And please, don't act like you A) don't dance, or B) don't name your moves.

--

JPD