This sucks. I am soon--upon graduation from college--going to be forced to be a real adult. At the age of 24 I have successfuly (unsuccessfully?) avoided having to be too much of a grownup for quite some time. But this too shall pass.
Here is my list of
Things That Will Undoubtedly Suck About Real Life
1. Bills.
2. Obligations on weekends.
3. Nothing fun.
4. Having real problems.
5. The rest of it.
1. They suck. I sat there while my father wrote check after check and clicked button after button effectively doling out a large chunk of my parents' hard-earned money. I asked him in complete seriousness, "Peezer, how the fuck can you do this sober?" He just laughed and said, "Because I have to." One of the all-time parent answers for everything. "Because." Brutal.
2. Are you kidding me? This is how I'm going to have to spend my weekends? Grocery shopping and paying bills? Running errands and dealing with yardwork, kitchen cleaning, Jeff Lewis-ing the house to get it spotless for all the company that ISN'T COMING? I'll pass, thank you.
3. This one may not be entirely true. But you do have to deal with all of the other stuff I mentioned. How is it fun? Everytime you solve one problem, it's just a band-aid for the next problem that will show up and the subsequent and inevitable 25 that will follow. Pay the bills so that you can know how much money you have so you can then...go to the grocery store? What do we need while we are there? What's on sale? Do I have my card? Where's the checkbook? KNOCK IT OFF. And if you do manage to treat yourself to something fun, you have to deal with the aftermath of it. It's like I always say you have to work too hard to earn your fun time, and when it's over, you pay for it tenfold. Awful. Horrible.
4. My biggest problem most of the time is "do I have any homework?" When you're a real grownup you have to worry about money, your family, the security of your job, the security of your spouse's job. It's endless. A typical conversation, I think, would play out like this:
Innocent Bystander: Future Jared, what's the problem?
Future Jared: Fucking...all of it. Let's get loaded and bitch together. Deal?
5. This is self explanatory. Here is how the conversation that follows the above conversation will go:
Loaded Innocent Bystander: Well, what else is wrong?
Loaded Future Jared: Everything that I didn't already fucking say.
Real adults, assuage my fear and loathing of realadulthood. Either that, or take this time and space we provide here at Stuff to let me know what I should be worried about. Because folks, it's coming. Quickly. And it's like a tornado of fangs, claws, problems, and obligations. And it is unavoidable.
Here is my list of
Things That Will Undoubtedly Suck About Real Life
1. Bills.
2. Obligations on weekends.
3. Nothing fun.
4. Having real problems.
5. The rest of it.
1. They suck. I sat there while my father wrote check after check and clicked button after button effectively doling out a large chunk of my parents' hard-earned money. I asked him in complete seriousness, "Peezer, how the fuck can you do this sober?" He just laughed and said, "Because I have to." One of the all-time parent answers for everything. "Because." Brutal.
2. Are you kidding me? This is how I'm going to have to spend my weekends? Grocery shopping and paying bills? Running errands and dealing with yardwork, kitchen cleaning, Jeff Lewis-ing the house to get it spotless for all the company that ISN'T COMING? I'll pass, thank you.
3. This one may not be entirely true. But you do have to deal with all of the other stuff I mentioned. How is it fun? Everytime you solve one problem, it's just a band-aid for the next problem that will show up and the subsequent and inevitable 25 that will follow. Pay the bills so that you can know how much money you have so you can then...go to the grocery store? What do we need while we are there? What's on sale? Do I have my card? Where's the checkbook? KNOCK IT OFF. And if you do manage to treat yourself to something fun, you have to deal with the aftermath of it. It's like I always say you have to work too hard to earn your fun time, and when it's over, you pay for it tenfold. Awful. Horrible.
4. My biggest problem most of the time is "do I have any homework?" When you're a real grownup you have to worry about money, your family, the security of your job, the security of your spouse's job. It's endless. A typical conversation, I think, would play out like this:
Innocent Bystander: Future Jared, what's the problem?
Future Jared: Fucking...all of it. Let's get loaded and bitch together. Deal?
5. This is self explanatory. Here is how the conversation that follows the above conversation will go:
Loaded Innocent Bystander: Well, what else is wrong?
Loaded Future Jared: Everything that I didn't already fucking say.
Real adults, assuage my fear and loathing of realadulthood. Either that, or take this time and space we provide here at Stuff to let me know what I should be worried about. Because folks, it's coming. Quickly. And it's like a tornado of fangs, claws, problems, and obligations. And it is unavoidable.
7 comments:
Dear oh dear. JPD, you sound just like Frédéric in L’Éducation Sentimentale, lol. I had to read that for a course in grad school (translated into English, of course, as I don’t do French too well). In any case, failing an unexpected inheritance falling into your lap, here is my sage advice to you:
1. Bills: A sad fact of Real Life, for sure. But cheer up: you will no doubt eventually have a spouse to share the burden. And if you aren’t organized, make sure she is. There are few things as hateful as paying late fees. In the meantime, get yourself a roommate to share an apartment, and make sure that person has the same sterling qualities you would look for in a spouse when it comes to bill-paying. I am, of course, referring to shared bills such as rent, water, electricity, etc. Maxing out credit cards on frivolities is another question altogether. For that, refer to the golden rule of Mr. Micawber.
2. Obligations on weekends: Give this one a pass, by all means. And remember: a lot of it can be done piecemeal during the week, freeing up your weekend to live in absolute squalor and play video games, watch TV, read…. Just remember the roommate/spouse rule in number 1: compatibility is essential. Otherwise you are in for endless conversations that begin with “Who left an *empty* mayonnaise jar in the fridge?”
3. Nothing fun: …. er, you’re right. That’s why people save up for fabulous vacations every year. Start saving up.
4. & 5. Yes, you will worry about those things. You will be hit by “a tornado of fangs, claws, problems, and obligations.” And, yes, it is unavoidable. You will also be hit by a wonderful sense of achievement when you see that you can do all of that and some of it is not even as hard as you thought. The trick is to find a system whereby you deal with it all as efficiently as possible, thus freeing up your time for F.U.N. The kind you think you lost forever. So enjoy your single life while you have it, and do everything you may one day regret you never got around to before you… had kids of your own, kids that will change your life forever, because you will never stop worrying about whether they will grow up O.K., go to college, find gainful employment, manage to pay their bills…. and still find some enjoyment out there.
In the meantime, Future Jared has already found the solution most adults resort to: “Let’s get loaded and bitch together.”
You'll enjoy all that grown up stuff eventually. Promise. Well, you may not enjoy paying bills...but you should enjoy the fact that paying all those bills means you're finally taking care of yourself. That really is a satisfying thing. Really.
I don't have any great words of wisdom (I do like what Ortizzle had to say, particularly the last line--how true that is!). You will survive, Jared. You will figure out what adult stuff you can and can't avoid, which adult rites of passage actually do give you a sense of pride, etc. And, no matter how old and adult you become, you'll still appreciate mom and dad's wisdom and guidance ... as corny as that sounds.
Shirley
Oh, Jaredy. The thing about growing up is that most of it simply happens. Then later, you look back and say, "How the hell did I do that!?" I still do that when I look back and wonder how your dad and I got married at 22 with no money and no real jobs. And then 4 years later had kids, got them to a sitter every morning (fed and ready) and went to work! HOW?!
Answer: You just do it.
And that's what adult life is. You just do it.
But there is fun along the way, and you know you see it. You just don't see it right now because The Scaries are in the way.
It Will Be Okay.
In the words of one of the greatest parents of all time, "I'll tell you when it's time to worry."
Ortizzle -- i find it ironic and sot of comforting that the solution that future jared has found is actually a solution. i like that. the thing about doing things throughout the week is foreign to me because my parents like to wait til the weekends. not that theres anything wrong with that, but i suppose i just never thought about the fact that i could do it differently since what they do has worked so well.
Nina -- seems like its been a while since i've seen you here on stuff. i will never enjoy paying bills, but i do suppose that i can go ahead and understand what you mean by saying that getting them done will be satisfying...its the process. the process is what kills me.
GFE -- mom and dad are always clutch as far as wisdome and guidance. corny or not, i at least feel comforted by the fact that ive had really great examples.
nance -- i dont like the idea of stuff just happening and me not being able to figure out how. normally when that happens, i wake up with a headache, a rugburn, and grass stains on my knees and my friends all have a story about it.
for some reason, it always made me feel better when you and dad would say "we will let you know when its time to worry" and ive used that line before with friends and girlfriends and stuff like that. and to this day, it still helps. uncanny.
thanks stuff people. this helped. how theraputic.
Ortizzle -- i find it ironic and sot of comforting that the solution that future jared has found is actually a solution. i like that. the thing about doing things throughout the week is foreign to me because my parents like to wait til the weekends. not that theres anything wrong with that, but i suppose i just never thought about the fact that i could do it differently since what they do has worked so well.
Nina -- seems like its been a while since i've seen you here on stuff. i will never enjoy paying bills, but i do suppose that i can go ahead and understand what you mean by saying that getting them done will be satisfying...its the process. the process is what kills me.
GFE -- mom and dad are always clutch as far as wisdome and guidance. corny or not, i at least feel comforted by the fact that ive had really great examples.
nance -- i dont like the idea of stuff just happening and me not being able to figure out how. normally when that happens, i wake up with a headache, a rugburn, and grass stains on my knees and my friends all have a story about it.
for some reason, it always made me feel better when you and dad would say "we will let you know when its time to worry" and ive used that line before with friends and girlfriends and stuff like that. and to this day, it still helps. uncanny.
thanks stuff people. this helped. how theraputic.
Dear Jared,
Talking myself out of slashing my wrists. Will try vodka instead.
Real life sucks, even when it doesn't.
At least it sucks today. Maybe it won't suck tomorrow.
This is why I keep getting up in the morning.
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